Written by Andrew J. Horne

Thursday, 4 November 2004

image for Icecaps Melt, Costner Redeemed
Get Your Fancy Boats Ready! The Real Waterworld is Coming.

Thaw of the Arctic icecap is accelerating because of global warming but nations in the region including the United States are more concerned about a manditory apology to Kevin Costner for the universal bashing of his scifi flop, Waterworld.

An eight-nation report compiled by 250 scientists due for publication on November 8th says that Costner couldn't have been more right. Apparently, gils on a man are now completely plausible as well as all that crap about the whole world flooding over in spite of the fact that earth doesn't have that much water.

"We are taking a big risk with this apology," said Mr. Paal Prestrud, vice-chair of the Celebrity Sorry Bout That Association (CSBTA) report, which says that Costner may start expecting a retraction of Postman criticisms as well. "It's just not gonna happen," said Prestrud, "That movie (The Postman) was the largest piece of bullshit that I've ever seen."

Since Waterworld's release in 1995, Kevin Costner's balls have shrunk by 15-20 percent and the contraction is likely to accelerate unless Dragonfly and 3000 Miles to Graceland DVD sales dramatically increase, Mr. Prestrud said. Costner's wallet as well as his pants could be empty within 20 years.

While Inuit hunters are falling through holes in the ice, movie goers continue to fall through even more massive plotholes in Costner's scripts. " A romantic comedy about Baseball," complained a Blockbuster Video customer in regards to For the Love of the Game, "Who exactly does this movie appeal to?"

Diplomats said governments in nations around the Arctic rim -- the United States, Russia, Canada, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland and Iceland -- disagree about what to do, with the United States most opposed to any drastic action. "Can't we just kill him," exclaimed a French Diplomat, "If you stop him from making anymore movies, we promise to send troops into Iraq." Thousands of French soldiers have already volunteered to give their lives if Costner can be stopped.

President George W Bush pulled out of the UN's Costner protocol on global warming in 2001, arguing that building a system of thousands of interconnected floating atolls for our children to live on was a waste of money. Surprisingly, Bush even rejected a plan with bipartisan support for the stockpiling of dirt that could be used to support a future underwater-U.S. economy as well as permit the growing of crops on sailboats.

Scientists used to think that the thaw of the icecap floating on the Arctic Ocean would not affect sea levels, in the same way that a full glass of water with an ice cube jutting above the brim does not spill when the ice melts since ice takes up more space than water. Fotunately, Costner has pointed out to world scientists that a glass of water is smaller and hence, the same rules do not apply. So, you better decide now if you're going to be a smoker, mutant, or sailboat captain. Meanwhile, I will be brushing up on my portugreek so that I can make successful trades for old pieces of paper and a fancy new pair of ski boots.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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