Researchers at the William Jefferson Clinton Hot Sex Clinic at the University of Wasilla, measured a minute hormone secretion (AMH) in (666) attractive women, ranging in age from 15 to 46. (AMH) or anti-mullerian hormone has previously been identified as an indicator of ovarian function and possibly a reflection of the number of viable ova in the ovaries.
Dr. Mortimer Stratford-Shlong, lead researcher of the study, wrote that declining levels of (AMH) in 67.29% of the subjects was positively correlated with a threefold increase in alcohol levels of their significant other and a fivefold increase in the frequency of scheduled fishing and hunting expeditions. Additionally, it was noted that the blood test showed great predictive value when given to the younger subset of the subject group.
Endocrinologist Dr. Sappho La Bia, co-author of the study reported that when results of the test were taken from the 15-22 year old subgroup, there was a 75% reliability factor in predicting the onset of hot flashes, vaginal dryness, irrational behavior {as determined from voting records, hours per day watching reality TV programs, Fox News and organizational affiliations} and "generalized bitchiness" within 6 days of onset of the syndrome.
"The ramifications of this new blood test are wide ranging and significant, if our findings are confirmed upon replication. Think of it; women may now be capable of planning for absent husbands and prepare for spouses secreting community property in advance of anticipated marriage dissolution or infidelity...all within a margin of error of (48) hours!
"If our study is validated, we hope to refine the test, so it may be possible to reliably determine the "Due Date" in utero, such that female newborns may be marked with a tiny UPC code medially and superior to the nipple, facilitating male awareness of the ever decreasing window interpersonal accord.
"After conferring with colleagues, it was unanimously determined that this location was ideal for rapid male identification, given the natural tendency for them to address any post-pubescent female by fixating the vision on the torso."
Dr. La Bia told the audience, that parallel with the (AMH) study, she was conducting tests to reliably determine male capacity to maintain an erection for more than three minutes without ligature or popsicle sticks.
"If we are fruitful in this endeavor, we anticipate a plebiscite driven by women, requiring all males to submit to the test after a second date and/or concomitant with routinely required tests before securing a marriage license.
"While we anticipate a backlash and vigorous media campaign from the Trial Lawyer's Association, we are content to let the results speak for themselves."
