In response to the debut of a fully functional female sex robot at the 2010 Adult Video Awards, a California robotics company announced the breakthrough development of an articulated male robot to fulfill the needs of the modern professional woman.
Working from a set of requirements outlined in the January edition of Cosmopolitan Magazine, the Silicon Valley Robotics and Latex Novelty Company has developed a programmed robotic female companion with a wide range of verbal responses, and the physical dexterity to perform numerous household functions. The perfect man will be marketed under the name, Maxx Sensitivity.
According to the Cosmo list of the top five best traits for a perfect man, Maxx will be programmed to accommodate all of them to varying degrees, stopping short of the ability to make his own decisions. Most women felt that this would be preferred as the sixth trait anyway. In order of importance, according to Cosmo, the top five traits on the Maxx Sensitivity robot are:
Must enjoy Reality TV instead of sports. Maxx delivers with pre-programmed remote controls built into both eyes, and the ability immediately change the channel based on his master's whim. Women of Orange County stay tuned!
Hates Supermodels: Maxx has a huge vocabulary of self affirming and supportive comments including, "She's far too skinny, almost sick looking", "That dress makes you look hot", and "You're beautiful just the way you are".
The Perfect Homemaker: Maxx can perform most household duties including basic floor cleaning, trash removal and laundry, though has trouble dusting without knocking knick knacks onto the floor. Loading the dishwasher will carry some risk of breakage as well.
Orally and Physically Skilled: Maxx's stamina never wanes, thanks to his sophisticated Nickel Cadmium batteries. Maxx can be ordered in a number of sizes and thicknesses, tongue and finger lengths. Yes girls, everything vibrates. Change his name to BOB, because he is truly your on-demand, battery operated boyfriend.
Instant Commitment: Maxx comes delivered to your front door, on bended knee, with a One carrot solitaire, brilliant cut, flawless diamond in hand. Get his ass in the door and let the honeymoon begin!
Another drawback to the debut Maxx Sensitivity model is his inability to cook effectively, however he can dial any restaurant delivery service minutes before you arrive at home. Maxx is available in three basic wardrobe choices. Blue jeans and tee shirt, Khakis and button-down, or black tuxedo.
In a related story, husbands across the US are being served with divorce papers in record numbers. More on that story tomorrow.