Written by Roy Turse

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

image for Twin Separation Scheme Could Become Law
Simon Weirdeau shows the lastest Tesco catalogue to his brother Mark. Their brother IC1-3X was unavailable.

A controversial new scheme could see all twins separated at birth so that comparative psychological testing can become more accurate. The idea is being championed by Dr George Mentalyst, head of the Government's Psychology Think Tank.

Twins are often used in psychology experiments so that the effects of genetic differences between test subjects are minimised. Dr Mentalyst believes that separation of the twins at birth also reduces the likelihood of a similar home environment affecting experimental outcomes.

"I got the idea after my own twins were born," Dr Mentalyst told us, "We chose Michael to live with us at our home in London. The other one, IC1-02, we shut in a cupboard at the University. As Michael grew up he was subjected to all the usual trials and tribulations of family life. He learned to talk, walk, read, ride a bike; all the normal things. IC1-02 didn't have all these distractions and spent most of its time in sensory-deprivation. Over the last few years it has grown up to become the perfect control subject for tests we perform on Michael."

The Doctor went on to explain that both he and his wife Polly were experimental psychologists and sat on the Government's Ethics Committee together. He believes it is only a matter of persuading the third member of the committee, Dr Patricia Weirdeau, for his twin separation scheme to be accepted.

"We think Pat will agree," said Dr Mentalyst, "She has triplets. One of them is at Harvard, one works in Tesco's, and the third is in suspended animation in a cryogenic chamber under her patio."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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