Sacherine, California - "Sugar, Sugar" the classic 1969 number-one hit single by fictional characters The Archies, has been implicated in the death of 573 diabetics worldwide. The song has been pulled from air play by radio DJs and likewise pulled from shelves at music stores in an attempt to head off the impending epidemic.
Candi Treacle, PR boss at Honeycombe Records which released Sugar, Sugar in 1969 and still receives all the royalties, spoke with the press.
"Honeycombe is really, really sorry about this," drivelled Ms Treacle as she sucked on a swizzle fizzer. "Just to be safe, we're recalling all recordings of Sugar, Sugar purchased since 1969 and compensating customers with free bags of jawbreakers."
Health experts are still speculating as to why the song is having such a detrimental effect on diabetics. Dr Plum Winegum at the Center for Musical Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia believes it may have something to do with the suggestive lyrics.
Dr Winegum sang the catchy tune to demonstrate. "Sugar, ah, honey, honey. You are my candy girl, and you've got me wanting you."
"It's no wonder that diabetics are going into shock all over the world just listening to those sappy lyrics," explained Dr Winegun, still humming and tapping his toes. "It's probably not a new phenomenon; it's just that we've finally made the connection."
Diabetics wanting their sugar fix have found a way around the recall of Sugar, Sugar however. Diabetic activist, Gooey Jellyroll has set up a website instructing fellow diabetics in how to perform free illegal music downloads of the song from the internet.
"We diabetics are very crafty in getting around unrealistic medical advice to procure our daily sugar fix," said Jellyroll, wiping coconut flakes from his lips. "It's all there on the internet for us.
"And besides", added Jellyroll, "a lot of artists support us as well. R&B band Chocolate Covered Cherries has agreed to do a pirate cover of Sugar, Sugar and that will be available on our website soon as well."
There is not universal agreement over the role of Sugar, Sugar in causing the recent outbreak of diabetic deaths. Child Psychologist Tanya Fudge told BBC News in London that parenting may play a critical role.
According to Dr Fudge, parents are the likely culprits. "I've researched these song-related diabetic deaths here in the UK, and in an astounding 84% of the morbidity cases, parents have admitted kissing their child on the cheek and whispering 'sweet dreams' to them as a bedtime ritual."
"It's child abuse to take advantage of such intimacy with vulnerable children by planting sweet dreams in their subconscious. All psychologists know there is a direct connection between the subconscious and the pancreas," slurred Dr Fudge as she anxiously unwrapped and inhaled four more boiled sweets.
Even so, the music industry is taking no chances of a diabetic class action suit. In addition to Sugar, Sugar, other songs being banned include Raspberry Beret by Prince, the Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink version of Lady Marmalade, American Pie by Don McLean, Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones and all releases by the Sugarbabes.
"We're not taking any unnecessary chances," explained Candi Treacle of Honeycombe Records. "And we're not going to sugar-coat it. The message is clear. Diabetics should stay away from Sugar, Sugar and all such recordings."
"There's plenty of other good stuff out there for them to enjoy", offered Ms Treacle, her brown paper bag no longer holding gummy bears. "I personally like Red, Red Wine by UB40 or Cracklin' Rosie by Neil Diamond when I feel the need to relax."
