Atlanta, Georgia - Linking vascular conditioning of the heart to its ability to effectively pump blood to the penis for engorgement, leading to a healthy virile erection, recent medical research on the illness of diabetes has inadvertently lead to the largest outing of Gay men ever.
As a study disclosed that diabetic men suffering from erectile dysfunction may also be at risk of suffering from heart disease. "Either that or they are Gay," concluded the controversial medical study.
Both homosexual and heterosexual men, however, are reportedly outraged at the study for disclosing their medical condition or lifestyle without their permission, calling it a right to privacy violation.
"I'm so mad I could break a nail on someone's face right now," said Peter Betray, a self described straight man who says he is afflicted with the diabetes, which has resulted in his erectile dysfunction and his wife's involuntary celibacy. "Oh, the nerve of those people, calling me Gay. I'm as straight as they come."
Betray has a lovely wife, two wonderful children (from a pervious marriage) and a rustic ranch style home in a wealthy rural part of Arizona. He attends church regularly; volunteers as the coach for the Women's Christian Fellowship Auxiliary Softball League and still finds time to pick up trash at a local rest stop as a member of his state's Adopt a Highway program.
"I love my wife," said Betray. "Not filthy, nasty, sweaty men all covered with bulging muscles and firm tan…well, you get the idea. I have to go now. I'm late getting some softballs I left while cleaning up the men's bathroom stall at the rest stop late last night. Hopefully they're still there, just hanging around."
"Look, I can't live like this anymore," said Karl Hamsterdam, a self perceived homosexual male who has falsely claimed to be a diabetic in order to hide his homosexuality from his wife. "I don't have diabetes or even erectile dysfunction. I'm just a desperate Gay man."
Hamsterdam did not know how to tell his wife of his recent conversion to homosexuality which occurred after staying up all night drinking a case of Red Bull and then trying out some Yoga power stretching exercises in the nude all alone in the kitchen in between breaks while writing stories for TheSpoof.com.
Figuring he could continue masking his sexual disinterest in his wife indefinitely by claiming that his inability to perform in bed was a due to his erectile dysfunction, even writer's block, his wife has recently become suspicious in view of the study's release.
"Oh man," said Hamsterdam. "If she ever found out I have no trouble getting it up for myself, while she has had to turn to Mr. Pimpbot to do my job…I just don't know what to do now. Anybody know how to fake a heart attack?"
Publishers of the controversial study all but deny it was their intention to expose anybody's sexual orientation or violate anyone's right of privacy, insisting that there are other ear makers that can better indicate whether one is a homosexual or not.
"It's simple really," said a spokesman for the study. "Our findings alone do not conclusively prove anyone is a homosexual simply because they are diabetic and suffer from erectile dysfunction. Rather, there are other facts to consider such as level of in-depth knowledge of Broadway show tunes, amount of attention paid to personal hygiene/grooming and number of 'Hillary Clinton for President 2008' lawn signs in their yard."
