'Chinese takeaway': 10,000 killed, only 1 billion to go, in newest population reduction plan

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Tuesday, 13 May 2008


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image for 'Chinese takeaway': 10,000 killed, only 1 billion to go, in newest population reduction plan
"One # 7.9 Richter Scale with wonton and eggdrop soup, please"

BEIJING: The massive earthquake that killed thousands this week was generated by underground detonation of top-secret depopulation weaponry by the People's Republic of China, sources indicate.

The Chinese government announced this morning that nearly 10, 000 Chinese are dead, but Central Committee officials remain optimistic that more loss can and will be achieved by scientists, keeping official depopulation goals for the Beijing Olympics "on track".

An expert told CNN the 7.9-magnitude quake at about 2:45 p.m Monday was the largest the region has seen "for over a generation," but assured listeners that the devastation was an essential part of the current population reduction plan.

Previous population reduction plans in China have included the controversial limitation of births to one child per couple, the widespread availability of prophylactics, mandatory vasectomies for ethnic minorities and the recent introduction of Jay Leno's Tonight Show to late-night television programming throughout China.

These plans had successfully cut population growth by 50% but more drastic measures were deemed necessary to prepare China for the expected influx of international visitors to the Games in August.

Much of the nation's transportation system shut down, with reports of "multiple landslides and collapses along railway lines" near Chengdu, but Xinhua assured readers that all future depopulation schemes would meet quota whilst avoiding such massive damage to the country's valuable infrastructure.

A spokesman for the Beijing Olympic Committee said that no Olympic venues are affected and souvenir sales remain brisk.

President Hu Jintao ordered an all-out effort to increase the number of those affected, , Xinhua reported.

"My fellow Chinese, when facing a culling deadline, we need calm, confidence, courage and efficient communist organization," Jintao was quoted as saying. "I believe we can certainly overcome the difficulties with public and military scientists working together under the inspirational leadership of the CPC Central Committee."

President Hu Jintao's broadcast speech was followed by the traditional "Two Minutes Hate" accompanied by an image of Goldstein on Party telescreens.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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