Los Angeles, California - (Ass Mess): Narcotics agents in Yolo County, California have arrested six people after impounding over five pounds of innovative sperm-flavor cocaine.
Commander Roy Giorgi of the Yolo Narcotic Enforcement Team said today the find is a departure from recent strawberry, banana and coconut-flavored coke which has flooded the market due to demand for wholesome, organic, fruit flavored intoxicants.
"We've monitored this trend and heard users' reports that even though cocaine is snorted through the nostrils, it can still be tasted.
"Lots of coke-fiends have complained that regular cocaine gives a medicine taste in the back of the throat, so we kinda understood the market move to fruity flavors.
"But this new sperm-tasting coke has us baffled."
Giorgi dismissed reports that the latest impounded contraband may have just been "ejaculated into" by a careless or spiteful supplier before being circulated onto the streets:
"We're pretty sure it's part of the fruit-flavored range. Maybe it's just a nostalgic thing for the celibate, kinda to remind them of the sex lives they once had?
"Nah, I don't swallow that one either."