"Tough Sailing Ahead For Microsoft," Says Chairman Gates. Cites Lack Of Intellectual Property To Pirate.

Funny story written by The Watch Dog

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

image for "Tough Sailing Ahead For Microsoft," Says Chairman Gates. Cites Lack Of Intellectual Property To Pirate.
Is Microsoft's Future In The Toilet?

"Microsoft is marching through rough waters," said a somber but belligerent William Gates, founder and principle shareholder of Microsoft at the annual shareholders' meeting held today in the Peoples Hall Of Friendly Progressive Socialism and Bactrian Camel Management in Ulan Bator, Mongolia.

Directly addressing Yumjaaign Tamblyn, an itinerate yak herder and proud owner of 1 share of Microsoft, Mr. Gates stated that Microsoft would be losing "lots and lots" of money in the current 2006-2007 fiscal year, with no turnaround in sight. "There just aren't any innovative ideas for Microsoft to steal. The glory days when Microsoft could plagiarize great ideas like Apple's Graphical User Interface, WordStar, VisiCalc, or Netscape are over. No longer can Microsoft steal an idea, double the price, and sell an inferior product to the consumer."

Meanwhile, Mr. Gates asserted that" Microsoft will pursue any theft of its intellectual properties. We have a carrot and stick program to deal with the theft of our intellectual property," continued Mr. Gates. "The carrot is an army of well trained and well armed attorneys who will hunt down, prosecute, and exterminate anyone who copies Microsoft products without authorization. The stick is a squadron of ex-Soviet Tu-22 bombers equipped with nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Microsoft's Strategic Bomber Command will act as a deterrent to anyone who intends to steal Microsoft's intellectual property. This squadron will become operational later this year. We intend to test its capabilities against either Singapore or Hong Kong, to show the world that Microsoft is deadly serious."

However, Mr. Gates was apologetic of Microsoft's inability to diversify. "We thought that we had a winner when we bought Liberia, enslaved the population, and made them work all day in the sugar fields, but the damn UN intervened."

When Mr. Tamblyn, an itinerate yak herder and proud owner of one share of Microsoft, softly and politely asked Mr. Gates if he had considered cost cutting measures, Mr. Gates glared and shouted directly at Mr. Tamblyn that: "I looked at a lot of cost cutting measures! I looked at eliminating out Customer Support Department! Microsoft didn't have one to eliminate! So there!" Mr. Gates then had Mr. Tamblyn thrown out of the meeting.

With the forcible ejecting of Mr. Tamblyn the meeting was adjourned since no other stockholders were present.

Dr. Festus Jones, Professor of Economics and Cattle Ranch Management at the University of Texas Del Rio was highly critical of Mr. Gates. "Have you ever looked at Microsoft's research budget? Microsoft spends .3% on programming research, 7.3% on screen saver research and the remaining 92.4% on legal research that involve cases where Microsoft is either the plaintiff or defendant in theft of intellectual property litigation."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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