While mixing a new genetic nano brew in his cauldron, Bill Gates (otherwise known as The Wicked Witch of Silicon Valley) was chanting a few phrases in Aramaic, summoning all the demons of big money, computer tech, and rabid viruses that no one but he can control to bring to the world the most evil thing Bill could ever do to us all.
(PS: Why has he not been arrested? Oh right, money makes crimes go away real quick-like.)
The GATES MOSQUITO!
It’s coming soon to your neighborhood. Lock your doors, put up mosquito netting, spray all the toxins you can stand … but the Gates Mosquito has genetically-modified defenses – like steel armor on its body, wings made of titanium, a proboscis that cannot be licked or bent or broken – it’s a steel needle that goes in and stays in your body forever! Holy flying monkeys, Batman!
What the frick am I going on about?
Bill released mosquitos in Texas and Florida and now there are mosquitoes bearing malaria for the first time since American presidents owned slaves.
Will no one stop this new mosquito? Some Silicon Valley insiders say: “Now we’re all supposed to be afraid of a bug? It’s Bill, baby! Our Lord and Master. He made us geeks cool. We get laid by some of the best hookers in Idaho and Cambodia. A little bug ain’t gonna hurt nobody.”
“What about the Covid bug?” I asked.
“Security! Security!”
An acne-scared and squeaky-voiced computer security guard exited from his cupboard and dropped his night stick a few times while shuffling his too-large (possibly his daddy’s) shoes over to me.
I quickly snapped out my can of Raid and sprayed the guard and stained his thick glasses, confusing him as I made my getaway.
Bill has found a new way to make everybody sick again! It’s summer and mosquito season! You don’t wanna stay inside any more, do you?
Bill knows, and Bill plans, and people cough and itch and blood pumps from human to insect.
Weapons of Mass Destruction do not include mosquitos. Unless Geneva can have itself another Convention.
