Brilliant Writer Has Fucked Up Weekend Beginning With Loss Of Entire Novel On "Piece-Of-Shit" USB Flash Drive

Written by Wesley Janson

Tuesday, 9 June 2020

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Midwest. After spending 10 years carefully managing his time, avoiding high-stress professional careers, and using every single ounce of his creative energy to construct a massive science fiction novel, Minnesota resident and part-time administrative assistant Bradley Johnson, 39, fell apart as a human being when he improperly removed a USB flash drive from his Dell computer and instantaneously lost all 42 chapters of what could have been a real "masterpiece."

'Oh, My God!'...'Oh, My God!'...and... 'I Can't Believe That Just God-Damn Fucking Happened!' were just a few of the colorful statements he sincerely wanted to holler at the ceiling last Friday night after the overused 'piece-of-shit' device blanked out, causing the outstanding work of literature with potential to become a famous Hollywood film trilogy to vanish without a trace.

Having never saved any of his work in written form or on any other device (including the desktop of his own computer), Brad kept his calm by entering a state of complete denial during which he began looking for jobs as a technical writer with the false assumption that constructing user-manuals and operating instructions for consumer electronics would make up for the horrible and purely devastating thing that just happened.

Upon finding a nearby industry that provides training and pays their entry-level tech writers over $60,000 a year, Johnson spent three-and-a-half hours building a resume, drafting a cover letter, and filling out an extensive online application while his heart was silently breaking inside of him and his eyes were welling up.

Right before he was able to click the send button with his attached documents, however, his computer crashed, and every single file was permanently deleted.

Unable to sleep that night due to his own intensely sorrowful weeping, Brad got out of bed the next morning and walked outside of his home just in time for several birds to fly by and poop all over his head, his chest, and his shoulders.

Jane Whiteman, his extremely gorgeous girlfriend of 7 years, called him on the phone only moments later to inform him that she was leaving him for a successfully published author who was really good in the sack and who had been secretly "giving it" to her pretty hard for the past several months. (She also felt the need to confess that she had 'reverse-cowgirl-style' fucked him twice that morning.)

After having a stray male dog run up and pee on him and watching a gigantic branch from his neighbor's tree suddenly break off, crash through his roof, and cause his place to start on fire, the man who once had the dream of producing a brilliant novel lost grip with reality.

Exhausted, insane, foaming at the mouth, and beyond help from medication and life-long therapy, Brad Johnson finally screamed so incredibly hard that liquid feces sprayed out his anus for a full 10 seconds right before his dick flew off and his face exploded.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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