In a bid to resurrect its faltering reputation, and in the face of a possible US$3billion fine, Facebook Nerd-in-Chief, Mark Zuckerberg, has decided to clean up his corrupt organisation. Not before time, you might say.
In a surprise and hastily-convened press conference, Mr. Zuckerberg announced to the alcohol-sodden, weed-smoking Silicon Valley press corps that, henceforth, all users of his social media platforms will be subject to a Facebook-approved IQ, equality and extremism test before being allowed to continue using their accounts, all of which will be blocked with immediate effect.
Mr. Zuckerberg explained:
"I am ashamed to admit that Facebook, my pride and joy, my baby and my life's work, has become the preferred media outlet for simpletons, conspiracy theorists, fascists, racists and misogynists. That's a fairly representative cross-section of humanity, you might say, but it's just not good enough. This test will sort the bad from the good and even though it will take 50 years to process tests for our 7 billion users, I am prepared to accept the pain in order to clean up Facebook."
At this point, the audience began to boo, hiss and chant their disapproval, mainly about their family photos and pictures of their cats. Mr Zuckerberg was obviously taken aback by the reaction and stumbled on, before changing tack:
"I'm sorry, it needs to be done, but I do hear your arguments...You know what? I don't give a fuck. This is all just a PR exercise. Carry on as normal with your child grooming, your nazi groups, your anti-vaccine promotion. I'll still make billions, so I'm dropping it right now."