Apes Will Speak English, Say Scientists

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 20 December 2018

image for Apes Will Speak English, Say Scientists
Ah, good morning, old chap! Just dashing off a quick missive to the PM!

Apes will soon be able to develop sufficiently to converse with humans, say expert animo-lingusitic experts, and will almost certainly speak English.

Members of the ape family have long been known to resemble humans in many other areas, and their inability to communicate through speech is one of the last frontiers that, once broken down, will make them virtually inseparable, as a race, from the ignorant dipshits walking around our major cities today.

And, say the linguists, English will be their language of choice.

One, Dr. Alex Shitbaum, said:

"Some members of the Ape family are almost there. They have developed their vocal apparatus in such a way, that speech will be possible in a very short time. They will speak English, because I can't honestly see apes attempting to master anything as tricky as Chinese, can you?"

Other 'experts' believe that, not only will apes acquire the power of speech, but that they will also start to resemble humans in other ways, and assume the behavioral characteristics of their human counterparts. Many, once they can lie, cheat and steal, will develop other abilities, and some may even move into politics.

Professor Dirk Obvious, from the University of Chigley, said:

"Evolution doesn't stop, it just keeps on evolving."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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