Minnesota Japanese Beetle destruction blamed on "the munchies"

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Medical marijuana farms established to supply Minnesota with it's recently legalized medication are being singled out as the primary cause of the over voracious insects attacks on other cash crops in the state.

Scientists believe that after consuming some of the marijuana plants, the invasive Japanese species can suffer from one of the same side effects that impact humans.

Vera Krischik, Associate professor and Extension specialist from the University of Minnesota's Department of Entomology has stated, "Typically, we see Japanese Beetles as a season pest that can impact some ornamental plants on personal property. It wasn't until the introduction of marijuana farms to Minnesota that we started seeing the beetles become a threat to consumable cash crops."

Asked if she could explain the correlation scientifically, Professor Krischik replied, "Basically, after the insect ingests leaves from a marijuana plant, they develop a urge to consume more food. So, yeah, we think that the weed farms are giving Japanese Beetles the munchies."

There has been no response from numerous inquiries to local marijuana farms, but some of the beetles themselves are talking.

One beetle, Shibo Kabutomushi explained, "Yes reportersan, when I eat the marijuana leaf, I get very, very hungry. I must eat more!"

Another beetle, Jaku Arimaki offered, "I'm just glad that they don't grow weed underground. I was big and gross enough already as a grub!"

An unnamed beetle exclaimed, "There out to get me man! With their pesticides and their flyswatters and those big fat boots! Its a conspiracy man. I'm telling you!"

The situation is a new one for Minnesota, but resourceful farmer have already come up with some solutions to help curb the insect invasion.

"I just emptied a few bags of Cheetos and Doritos along the outside of my fields, and that seems to keep the beeetles occupied while I harvest the crops," Farmer Bill Hemmings explained.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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