Assachewsets Institute of Technocracy - Professor Hecktor Nogginbanger of AIT today announced a theory of everything that resolves all the unexplained problems in the Standard Model of physics. The new theory, some just call it fact, is called SMASH. All capital letters are used because it stands for something; just what it is that it stands for is still a mystery.
Heck stated to our science desk that he discovered the new theory when papers he ran through a shredder failed to shred properly and instead got smashed together. After a few quick calculations on his slide rule, Heck discovered that the combination of discarded ideas, when spliced together, explained several mysteries of the universe, for example:
Why poop consists largely of DARK MATTER. Previously scientists wondered why the universe was filled with dark matter. Now they know; it's poop.
BREAKING NEWS --
We were going bring you more on this topic but our readers indicated they were not interested. Some threw feces at us.
