AREA 51, Nevada - Donald Trump has just founded a small public state college that will teach students how to make hydrogen bombs, nuclear missiles, and various types of torpedoes, light anti-tank weapons, and sundry varieties of weapons of mass destruction.
"I'm calling it Donald Trump Death and Doom State College," Trump said in a tweet to the masses.
The President of Donald Trump Death and Doom College will be Stanislav Telligrawsovic, a former aid to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Telligrawsovic, who holds a Ph.D. from Leningrad's Stoopengaatensik University, said he will run "a tight ship" and that "there will be no horseplay nor will there be any foolishness at my school. When students are not studying, they will be tortured."
"Those who do not take their studies astutely will suffer the demise of countless other victims who did not respect this weird and diabolical devil's land. I'm not going to spell out what the consequences will be, but let's just say they will be painful, sadistic, terrible, and I'll just add in that it will be a double whammy of the most vile form of total nastiness," Telligrawsovic told The Spoof in a tweet.
According to a flyer circulated by the upstart college, Donald Trump Death and Doom State College will offer associate, bachelor's, and master's degrees in new technological disciplines such as Militarized Manifest Destiny, Genocide, Creating Apartheid for Dummies, Warmongering for Warlocks, How to Strike Fear in the Toughest & Meanest of All Homo Sapient Jackals, How to Operate and Maintain a Successful Concentration Camp, and Turning Terrorism Around on its Head and Labeling it 'Patriotism'.
"We will be the landmark institution for getting America's most egregious and hardened criminals - recent parolees of the United States' state and federal prison systems - back on track and living the American Dream. These are good degrees we're offering that will guarantee our graduates good jobs. Our ideal candidate will be a sociopathic psychopath with a proclivity to work towards becoming a criminal genius," said Martin Mouseturd, Ph.D., who will be the head provost of the college.
"Our campus will consist of a series of caves cut into the landscape of this desert no man's land. We are rehabbing and retrofitting these cavernous craters that have naturally cut themselves into mountains, valleys, and even under rivers, so as to make a very unique and compelling educational experience for our students," Mouseturd told The Spoof in an interview that evolved out of a series of tweets.
"We plan to have a college football team, basketball team, and track and field team," Mouseturd continued. "We will play other schools with enrollments of one or two thousand - all desert colleges from around these parts - and being that this will be an all-male institution, our guys will be meaner than hell. That's the way we want to train our Fighting Chickens. That's our team mascot, by the way, the Donald Trump Death and Doom State College Fighting Chickens."
When asked if in time, women will be able to enroll as students to Donald Trump Death and Doom State College, Mouseturd said "The Powers That Be have prohibited this from ever occurring, even though there are definitely some women with sinister criminal minds in America. Unfortunately, the owner of this public institution, along with its administration and faculty, are all misogynists of the nth degree. The best they can do is objectify women like they are all involved with ghastly, deranged, biology experiments."
"Let's just say it's a lot kinder not letting the girls on campus," the head provost added.