Washington, D.C. - After Donald Trump's first press conference as President-elect, the contents of the folders lying on the table next to the lectern where Trump spoke sparked a lot of speculation in the press and on social media. Trump indicated that the folders contained only some of the paperwork that will transfer control of Trump's business empire to his sons Don Jr. and Eric. Was this true or can we add the stacks of manila folders to the long list of stage props Trump has used in the past? Reporters at the press conference were not allowed to review the documents, but photos revealed that some folders were unlabeled and that seemingly blank pages were protruding from the folders' edges.
Exclusive access to Trump's folders was granted to our staff; they were sent by courier, accompanied by a small padded manila envelope with a label reading "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY". We are able to confirm that, to the uninitiated observer, the documents are blank. However, when the documents are seen through a special pair of contact lenses that were graciously provided to us by the Trump transition team, the documents come to life and are, in fact, official signed documents pertaining to the transfer of management of the Trump Organization to Trump's 2 eldest sons. Interestingly, the footer of each page that contains the signatures of Don Jr. and Eric reads "DJT REQUIRES THAT YOU DO A GOOD JOB OR YOU'RE FIRED!".
We view this revelation as good news for 2 reasons. First, we can all rest assured that Trump is in the process of handing over control of his businesses to his adult sons. Second, it is now crystal clear what Trump meant when he said the following on New Year's Eve regarding the best method to protect America's secrets: "You want something to really go without detection? Write it out and have it sent by courier". Without the requisite eyewear, all future courier-sent materials from the Trump administration will be completely useless.
At press time, we learned from the Trump transition team that the contact lenses sent to us were specially designed for our staff and our staff alone. If someone who was not granted special viewing privileges had used the contact lenses, the lenses would have immediately caused temporary blindness.
