CERN Retracts Announcement of Having Created a Black Hole

Funny story written by Catchthisdrift

Thursday, 7 January 2016

image for CERN Retracts Announcement of Having Created a Black Hole
Ingsvelden After the Incident

Geneva, Switzerland - C.E.R.N., The European Organization for Nuclear Research, has retracted its claim made on Monday of having created an actual black hole in the collision chamber of the particle accelerator.

CERN issued a very enthusiastic press release on Monday announcing the formation of the black hole from the collision of high-energy protons using their Large Hadron Collider. The press release stated that the black hole was approximately one inch in diameter and lasted almost two minutes.

Although some scientists do believe that a black hole could be created by the collision of high-energy elementary particles, there is general agreement that the size of that black hole would be at a sub-atomic scale, and exist for only fractions of fractions of a millisecond. They assert that a one inch black hole existing for two minutes is absolutely impossible using technology available today and, the scientists agree, most likely impossible at all, ever.

The skepticism proved to be accurate in this case when it was discovered that the "black hole" was actually the butt hole of a janitor who works at CERN.

An investigation into the claimed discovery showed that Mathias V. Ingsvelden who works as a janitor at the Large Hadron Collider facility had removed his pants, bent over, spread his ass cheeks, and pressed himself against a glass window of the collision chamber. The black hole that CERN engineers believed they'd created was in fact Ingsvelden's asshole.

The investigation revealed that some engineers at CERN, who had no intention of trying to promote a deception, were simply caught up in seeing what they wanted to see.

One engineer at CERN who wanted to remain anonymous was sympathetic towards his co-workers. "I can understand them getting caught up in the excitement of the moment. What an incredible discovery it would have been! I just wish they'd have passed around the photograph of the black hole before releasing the news. I could have told them it was Mathias' butt hole. I know very well what it looks like."

Ingsvelden has been placed on administrative leave and will also be required to take a course on personal hygiene.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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