While wasting time aimlessly searching the night sky through the telescopic lens of his new Fisher-Price toy assault rifle, a 9 year-old boy accidentally discovered the most important astronomical event ever witnessed in the history of Earth, when he noticed a strange dot in his field of view, which at first he thought was a drop of milk on the lens. Then he saw that it was getting bigger, but didn't understand why until it came into focus. Then the little idiot finally realized that was because it was getting closer.
As the object gradually approached he began to recognize exactly what it was from several disaster movies he had watched. So now he was able to accurately identify it to be an enormous asteroid the size of Texas, spiraling through space heading in his general direction. Using the convenient pocket calculator he bought at a 7-11 convenient store, he determined that the path of its trajectory was on a direct collision coarse with Earth.
The sudden excitement if his find soon turned to fear and he was overcome by anger and hatred toward his science teacher who taught him that an asteroid was a heavenly body, when the truth was that it is really a hellish body. As breathtaking as the event was, he dared not mention it to his parents because they would think he was lying and would spank him mercilessly with a belt. Undeterred by the looming specter of his impending doom, he went straight into his bedroom, turned out the light, and proceeded to masturbate one last time.
