Written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

image for F***ing asteroids all over my birth chart moans Madonna
Phew, close shave

Los Angeles - A bunch of crazy asteroids is wreaking havoc with Material Girl's birth chart according to her astrologer.

Last week a tricky brush-past of her 12th House of Natal Tragedies by mini-planetoid Melopomene was detected by Bunty Aurora, Hollywood stargazer to the thick and famous.

Which goes some way in explaining the entertainer's crappy Grammys outfit showcasing puffy varicose veins and wobbly underarm bits.

"The asteroid's transit of Madonna's chart is highly significant," Aurora's website advised this morning.

"Melpomene is the ancient Greek word meaning 'singing' or 'someone malodorous' - uh, melodious!" the website commented.

The name was originally given to the Muse of Singing before she became the Muse of Tragedy following some sort of celestial spat.

Ancient Greeks used to celebrate Melpomene's 16 August 5,000BC birthday by donning symbolic accoutrements of her powers 'like a tragic mask' and the wearing of the cothurnus, snakeskin boots traditionally worn by tragic actors.

Those wardrobe items still feature regularly in Madonna's repertoire.

Next month a meteor shower in her chart's Part of Fortuna may signal more drastic plastic surgery procedures in the singer's nether quarters.

A labial nip 'n' tuck starts at around $50,000.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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