Written by David Geddes

Sunday, 11 January 2015

image for God Cancels Doomsday!
Judgement Day a No-Go

For the second time in as many millenniums the good Lord has put the kibosh on Doomsday. Said Lord God, "Full scale death shall be dealt not now nor anytime in the next 1000 years."

Specialty TV programmers are aghast.

"This is not good news," said History TV exec Stunt Morson, "we've been selling this shit for years and now the Lord pulls out? We have nothing in the pipeline; nobody cares about real history!"

Doomsday preppers were only slightly put out, citing a fullscale doomsday event as something they only started training for in 1999.

"It's something that is a little beyond your regular backyard apocalyptic scenario. Only the hardest and the holiest seem to make it through" said Merl Harcourt of the Washington Revivalist Militia (WRM). "Future generations of the WRM may want to re-visit such a training scenario but for now it's coming out of the Preppers Field Guide. Between you and me, I'm glad he called it off. This will give us more time to work on our Santa Claus Parade float."

And finally, when asked to explain his reasoning, God said "well the rules allow for a general smiting every 1000 years, give or take 20. Now that little Doomsday Book you all put together was cute and made me laugh so hard I missed 950-1050 AD completely, which btw is like 20 seconds in my time. So this time around I was alert and keen to cinder you little fools but then you all came out with these sweet little Tamagotcha thingies, and iPodies, and well I just gotta see what's coming out next year.

"Maybe I'm just sentimental but some of my best ideas come from you furless little apes."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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