Ned Niceguy, 38, was hospitalized yesterday with a broken leg and fractured jaw, wounds sustained when he was attacked by his wife Nora, 32, after he had presented her with a PMS Chocolate Wonder Bar bought at a specialty store. Apparently Nora had glanced at the Wonder Bar, screamed, "You think candy settles everything" and then went in for the kill. "She attacked him like a raving maniac," one onlooker commented. "That's one tough cookie." Another onlooker commented, "Yikes! Those chocolate bars can be dangerous. They should come with warning labels or something."
Ecco Bella, the New Jersey Company that sells the Wonder Bar, had no comment. Interviewed at the hospital, Ned Niceguy spoke with difficulty, considering his wired jaw. "The candy bar, it's supposed to HELP," he said. Showing a Wonder Bar to the reporter, he pointed out what it says on the wrapper, "Take sweet revenge on PMS, menopause & everyday cravings with this delicious Swiss chocolate, rose oil, herbs and soy." Ned leaned back on the pillows and said, "Too bad she decided to take sweet revenge on me instead."
He was, however, philosophical, saying he'd seek some new solutions to his wife's PMS. "Next month, maybe I'll try giving her roses," he said. But he won't be taking any chances and this time plans to wear full body armor while presenting his gift. Ned's also thinking about breaking up Wonder Bars into tiny pieces and sneaking them into Nora's food. He said with a sigh that if that didn't work, he was planning to get a divorce and enter a monastery. "At least there I'd be like, you know, safe. No women around."
Nora's attorney issued a statement on behalf of her client, saying that Mrs. Niceguy regrets the "unfortunate incident" and is working to "put it behind her." She's getting on with her life, attending court-mandated anger management classes, and looking forward to welcoming her husband home from the hospital. "That's a lot of bull," an anonymous source has confided to The Spoof. "Anger management, my eye. The word around town is that she's enrolled in an advanced karate class. Poor Ned better watch his back."