Bush Combats Critics, Pimps Wife and Mother

Funny story written by Jill The Shill

Friday, 9 September 2005

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Karl Rove Gives Daddy "W" Image Make-Over

Commander in Chief and War President George Bush stood up to his critics in the post-Katrina firestorm by putting his mother and wife on the streets this week. Calling comments by rapper Kanye West and Democratic chairman Howard Dean "disgusting", the former librarian demurely placed her finger to her lips and responded to critics with a stern, "Shhhhh!" On a nationally televised telethon Friday, broadcast live on NBC, West departed slightly from the script to declare, "George Bush doesn't care about black people," while Mike Myers dropped a brick for emphasis. Mobilizing White House spin doctors in a tenth of the time it took him to mobilize relief efforts in the affected regions of the Gulf coast, Bush's actions would normally prompt further reflection had he not called out the cavalry early. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell reportedly laughed out loud and hung up the phone when asked for help by Bush. And when pimping current Secretary of State Condi Rice didn't bring in the political revenue he'd hoped for, Bush finally dropped his wife off on the corner to hustle cars.

"I think all of those remarks are disgusting, to be perfectly frank, because of course President Bush cares about everyone in our country," the first lady said Thursday in an interview with American Urban Radio Networks. "And I know that. I mean, I'm the person who lives with him," she said. Offstage, George Bush could be heard screaming, "Hey, my polls are still down, woman. Quit yakking and spin harder!"

The president endured a week of criticism over slow federal relief efforts for the victims, who are largely black and poor, before crying for his mama. But Barbara Bush promptly threw gasoline on the flames by noting, "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this - this is working very well for them." Fortunately, her following remark, "Who do you have to have flogged around here to get a Mint Julep?" was edited out, as was her observation that, "If they'd just picked more cotton, New Orleans would be dry by now."

A spokesman for the White Knights of the KKK defended Bush's actions and described the tragedy which befell the poor, black population of New Orleans as merely "Darwinism in action". Ironically, the ACLU referred to the Administration's negligence as "Intelligent Design", confusing the hell out of the constituents of both groups. And some contend the real truth lies above the obscuring smoke of the widening racial conflagration, as exemplified by Vice-President Cheney's appearance in Gulfport, Mississippi. Decked out in an all white suit and fanning himself with his wide brim hat, Cheney explained, ‘What we have here...is a failure....to communicate. The problem has less to do with race than with poverty. Hell, we wouldn't waste all that money saving a bunch of drowning hillbillies in Appalachia, either." Cheney declined to elaborate further as he declared a state of emergency in Martha's Vineyard and mobilized Guard units to drop wine to stricken residents enduring their 2nd day without Merlot. "Gotta go protect the core constituency."

While many blacks tend to view the lack of response as racially motivated, many poor whites see the issue as one of elitism based on wealth. Others blame sheer incompetence and cronyism. But most of the blame for the accusations of racism can be laid squarely on the President's own shoulders just for opening his mouth. Attempting to describe the rebuilding assistance he was proposing, Bush once again forgot all about the demographics which actually needed the aid by noting, "Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house - he's lost his entire house - there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch." Nervous laughter changed to groans as he added, "....listening to the sound of slaves singing in the fields."

In a related story, a brief ruckus erupted earlier in the week while Bush was touring the devastated region. A waiter reportedly served George Bush a plate of waffles and a side of crow before being apprehended by secret service agents. The "waiter" was revealed to be John Kerry, who'd "found" a waiter's outfit in a deserted kitchen supply store. Bush reluctantly had Kerry released since his income exceeded the level below which he could properly be designated a "looter".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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