The Latest Scoop on the Ice Cream Flavor Wars

Funny story written by TomFoolery

Tuesday, 28 June 2005

image for The Latest Scoop on the Ice Cream Flavor Wars
Flavorism Exposed in Dish Action Suit

Tired of being ignored, neglected and out-classed by more exotic alternatives, vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are determined to return to their former glory and melt the competition.

Vanilla, the only flavor of choice since its creation in the early 1900s, tried unsuccessfully during the past few decades to stem the tide of "flavorism" that came about as chocolate and strawberry caused preference for the one-time sole flavor to melt alongside the new tastes on the block. However, the quest for variety among ice cream enthusiasts repeatedly resulted in consumers sticking out their tongues at the proverbial one-dish wonder.

Then, in the mid-1960s, vanilla managed to bring its two upstart rivals together to share the wealth. Neopolitan slowly grew in popularity, filling cones, cups and cakes with the familiar tri-color treat. It seemed like the best of all worlds.

Traditionally, ice cream was only available in ice cream parlors, soda fountains and fairgrounds. But, as these venues were unable to keep up with the demand for the chilly confection, reality brought out the cold hard fact: mass production was the latest ice cream innovation.

Competition gradually stiffened among the ice cream interlopers. New shops, outlets for the large scale operations, such as Haagen Dazs, Ben & Jerry's and Baskin/Robins, used the allegedly elaborate scheme of inventing new flavors to take the chill out of the one-time "big three."

"Pandering to the palate is pure and simple flavorism," contended vanilla, closely flanked by co-plaintiffs chocolate and strawberry, at a courthouse press conference where the initial suit was filed.

Strawberry elaborated, saying, "This is America, the land of equality. Discrimination on the basis of flavor, color or fruit of origin is horrible. I mean, pistaccio peach, pineapple butter pecan and kiwi's just crazy. It's nuts!"

Turning a cold shoulder to the crowds of onlookers and media at the conclusion of the public appearance, chocolate got the final word on the issue, making a hasty departure, exclaiming, "we've been planning this for a month of sundaes, it's really made us three bananas, but not it's time to split."

A nondescript ice cream truck, rumored to be an attempt by the mass producers to cool off the demonstration, rolled slowly through the throngs of people, selling countless flavors of ice cream....including the letigious trio, van/choc/straw.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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