Mercedes to produce the world's safest car

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 17 January 2012


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image for Mercedes to produce the world's safest car
Crash test dummies are being discarded as no longer relevant

Mercedes are already well known for their extensive feature list and super safe cars. Now, they have gone a stage further and produced what they claim is the safest car in the world. Although only currently in concept stage, they may have a point.

The previous record holder for the world's safest car was the Ford Sans Engine. A car so safe that nobody, passenger or pedestrian, was ever injured by one.

"The Sans Engine didn't sell very well," said Mercedes Concept Car Designer, Hans Verey-Seetham. "This may have had something to do with the lack of engine, steering wheel or passenger compartment. In fact, I don't think anybody bought one. Come to think of it, it doesn't really qualify as a car."

According to Verey-Seetham, the new Mercedes blows the Sans Engine out of the water, whilst still being a vehicle people can use to get from A to B whilst visiting relatives in Dee on Sea. Verey-Seetham and his team went back to the drawing board and examined every aspect of the car to determine what was unsafe in a vehicle.

"It is a similar process to what Ford did," admitted Verey-Seetham, "However, whilst they came to the conclusion that movement causes accidents, we decided the most unsafe part of a car is the windscreen. It is a structural weak point, when it smashes it becomes a billion dangerous daggers flying through the air and in a collision, passengers fly through it and discover why the strip at the side of the autobahn is called a hard shoulder."

Verey-Seetham acknowledges that being unable to see could make driving more dangerous and journeys shorter. They have a solution, however.

"This is the first car to use only instruments to drive by," said Verey-Seetham. "The on-board cameras give superb vision, better than the human eye. They can see at night, and through objects allowing the driver to literally see round corners. Well, not literally, as we didn't write it down."

Accompanied by Mercedes's already impressive list of safety features, the anti-skid breaks, cliff avoidance, adaptive cruise control, brake-assist and bubble wrap, Euro NCAP who rate cars for safety, have agreed with Mercedes assessment.

"Should this car come into production," said William Shivers, "we think that the occupants would not even get a bruised eyelid in the event of a crash."

NCAP are considering throwing away their current rating system.

"Our current rating system only goes to five stars," said Shivers. "The new Mercedes is easily ten times safer than that."

NCAP will be using the much more modern 'thumb' system for rating cars if Mercedes produce their ultra-safe car.

"The safest cars these days get five stars," said Shivers. "These will get one thumb. Most cars will get none. This car will start at five thumbs."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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