New Research From Mathematical Institute Stuns The World

Funny story written by Percival

Thursday, 1 September 2011


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Pre Coital Perfection

The Barnsley Freudian Mathematical Gizolm Institute of The Long One, and The Round One, have published their long awaited Ham Shank report today. This report is the culmination of a 5 year intensive research program into the formative stages of coupling in the United Kingdom.

This report has attracted much ridicule, and controversy in the Mathematical, and wider community. Dr Cuspid Hungchugger (Project leader) stated that with the release of this report comes a new era of Psycho-Sexual Mathematical Research.

All Samples To Head Office, Inspite Of Controversy

A sample population of 200,000 would be couplers were involuntarily included in the research project over a predetermined sample period. Each individual was located through their benefit claims records, and forcibly fitted with Blutooth ear devices; which in turn were linked to their mobile phones. A stipulation of research participation was that the subjects must keep the Bluetooth devices installed at all times; for the predetermined 3 week initial coupling period.

During this sample period all vocal communication was recorded, released to interested international news groups, intelligence services, and statistically analysed. Initially a simple word frequency distribution was used to analysis the participants over the sample period. This was accompanied after 7 weeks, and after a research group vote, by a frequency distribution model encompassing word proximities. Dr Hungchugger admits that the introduction of word proximities was a controversial move. A move deemed unacceptable by the larger academic community, due to the high degree of data validity, and social relevance it would bring to the research program.

It's Not How You Say It

Dr Hungchugger stated that the report must be read in its entirety for a full appreciation to be obtained. Some startling results have come to light in the report. In the 1st phase word frequency analysis, the words YES!, I, PLEEEASE, CUP, and CLEAR, presented no surprises to the the research team. In the word proximity analysis the phrases, "NO ANAL!", "I CAN'T TASTE IT", and "MY DAD HAS ONE OF THOSE" were alarmingly present in the data. The phrases "WHO DOESN'T LIKE SPIT ROASTS?", "I CAN'T TASTE IT", and "CUP EM! DAM IT!", were reassuringly present in the sample data.

The report comes with an in depth description of data signal noise. A phenomenon introduced into the data set by the premature termination of coupling within the agreed period. This manifested in the form of unrepresentative coupling phrases emanating from internet porn site sound tracks, during the unexpected post coupling periods.

New Interest

A Software company have suggested that in the light of a more in depth study. The resulting data could be used in the current App market. A television production company have expressed an interest in the reports finding, and have hinted at an outright purchasing of the entire data set. In the hope of producing more realistic post coital dialogue in their soap operas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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