(This is a continuation of a long series of Born To Spoof stories. Any similarities of character names to other spoof writers is strictly coincidental and on purpose!)
"Get that manatee out of the bridge Billings this is a sub not a Florida Zoo. And I did not invite Ron Desentass here he's out a torpedoe tube at noon." said I wondering what the world had come to.
Billings was about to make a smartass remark when No. 4# turned her beautiful Red hair towards us from the little galley. She may have been a clone, but damn they got the geneitics right. She was exactly like No. 3# who was shot by Mark Lowton. Funny thing was her nick name was No. 7# which is what I always called her. "Hey guys its Tea Time in Bombay, cut the crap we've got work to do," she said in her low sultry voice.
"Okay okay, where's Honolulu?" I asked.
"You locked her up in the aft torpedo tube said Rfritobean."
"Oh yeah right, time for you and Billings to extract those hedgehogs from her."
and for the last time Billings get that manatee out of the bridge. I said at the helm of the depleted Spoofer sub.
"That's not a manatee sir its Jalopenoman," said Billings leading the animal to the barracks, I did a double take, Jalopenoman was a Spoof writer from 20 years ago, WOW.
# 4 was now at the periscope focused on the Spoof South Wales Beach HQ, "I've got HQ in range now where are the damned hedgehogs?" she yelled, "If you don't hurry those god damned Guinea Pigs will go berserk when they spot us!"
"Hey Jean I think we have a problem here her sphincter ain't working", said Billings with his head under Honolulu's dress.
"You idiot that's her belly button, don't you know anything about scandinavian anatomy?!' I asked, "Didn't you ever listen to ABBA? You have to look closer to her tentacles back here," I said holding up her dress with one hand and my nose with the other.
"Sweet Jesus!" exclaimed Billings as he saw the head of a golden hedgehog sticking out. "How did you ever get 100 hundred of those things in there??" he gasped.
"Gill, I mean Bill it was not a pretty sight," I replied
"Okay, okay enough gocking, just get them in the basket for #4," I said giving her a glance. She winked, imperceptable to most, but reassuring to me. "That's #7 to you," she said.
"Okay get ready to surface!," I yelled, "We've got one chance to get this right "Rfritobean ready with the stinger, we've got to fire these hogs at the Guinea Pigs fast as you can or they'll swim out here and eat the whole damned sub."
"They've seen us already!" cried #4 at the perischope "Shoot the damned thing I'm not going to be their f-ing breakfast!"
With that Rfritobean commenced firing the golden hedgehog missles at the humongous radioactive guinea pigs. By large we mean roughly tank size.
"Damn they've grown since we last saw them," said #4, "I'd hate to see their Mom now."
Just then the stinger fired its first barrage of missles many reaching their targets and causing multiple small mushroom clouds to rise off the beach head.
"Good hits," said #4, "we should be able to get in there now and dismantle the website now. Time for the scuba guys."
As we surfaced we abandoned the sub and regrettably Honolulu, who gave herself that we might....have beer and chips later...sniff. Jalopenoman swam along...just like a manatee would do.
#4 lead the way to the beach where the big dunes loomed over us as we shed our fins and ran around large chunks of Guinea Pig. Disgusting creatures! They drooled and messed everywhere.
Since they were created by Mark to protect him and Spoof HQ the place was virtually unliveable. What had once been a nurturing place for humor, puns, and deriding the world in general, had become a decadent place for mad genetic fusions that created these monsters.
"Shssssssh," said #4 holding up a finger then pointing to glowing light just over the next dune. We stopped and listened and to our surprise we heard...singing, :"Yahoo vores Yahoo vores, welcome welcome Christmas is here.."
"That's from how the Grinch Stole Christmas," said Billings, "WTF?!" We all looked at eachother and shrugged. We crawled up the dune until we could peer over the top and what we saw was certainly a shock...
Next - Born To Spoof: An Odd Christmas Tale
