I went to confession last Sunday, despite not being Catholic. I had a few questions.
“How long since your last confession, my son?”
“Your what? Daddy? At long last? Mama and I have been looking for you everywhere! You became a priest? Was mama that bad in bed? Or was it the lure of choir boys? By the way, I’m a girl with a deep voice. Fuck you, preacher man!”
This was not off to a good start.
“Please, my s – miss, please don’t use profanity in the confessional.”
“What, ‘fuck’? How is that profane? Your church conducted the Spanish Inquisition which lasted 500 years – and a word is a profanity?”
“Please. No obscenity.”
“Like diddling? How about those wacky residential schools your Pope recently apologized for? Oh, thanks Pope for saying sorry – he did say sorry, didn’t he? Now how about taking down one of those priceless paintings from your wall – you know, the ones painted by the actual da Vinci and Michelangelo – sell them at auction and use the millions or billions to feed the hungry, cure the sick, etc. Have I said this before? Have you never thought of this yourself?”
“Are you a Catholic?”
“Fuck no! Imagine this: pretend Hitler and his Nazis won. Now fast-forward to Year 500 in their 1000-year Reich … most of the world has forgotten who the Nazis really were. Brainwashing and propaganda have convinced the world that Hitler wasn’t such a bad dude and those Nazis were just, uh, I dunno, freedom fighters?
“And Hitler had his own Teutonic religion all created by himself and believed in by all the good little Nazis. And people are still joining that religion, it’s still going on missionary work into jungles to tell the people there that they’re inferior ‘cuz of the color of their skin or where they live or whatever excuse the Nazi priests can think of at the time.
“And now take one of those true believers who doesn’t know the truth about the origins of his/her own religion (most religious people are like this. Did you know, preacher, there were other Christians who grew up alongside Catholics, but the Catholics killed them all out ‘cuz they were too groovy and didn’t kill or extort money from their worshippers, like you guys still do? Gnostics, I think they were called before your branch of the religion got them ‘cancelled’ with extreme prejudice.)
“Anyway, so a good little religious Nazi goes back to the 1930s to meet his savior, Adolf. And sees for him/herself what that funny moustache was really like. And, if the future Nazi is still allowed to have a conscience, he would leave the Teutonic religion immediately, go back through time, and preach the word that the Nazi religion is pure evil and those who follow it are complicit in that evil.
“Well, preacher man, whadday say? Gonna convert to Buddhism, and leave your Nazi Pope to count his ill-gotten money all alone?”
I heard nothing for several minutes until I exited and peeked into the preacher’s half of the wooden box.
I drove the bastard away! I won confession!
(I wondered if his conscience got to him and he converted. No one will ever know. The Pope knows how to take care of Judases. Make them Pope!)
PS: The Catholic Church has been in operation for approximately 2000 years and counting. Hitler would be jealous.
