"Local Teen Wrecked Time Continuum!" Says Eccentric Inventor

Funny story written by Kilroy

Wednesday, 24 March 2021

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"Pop Goes The Continuum!"

A local teen out for a decades-long joy-ride lost control of the vehicle he was driving and slammed into a duplex, totaling it. The vehicle was also a total loss. Martin McFly, 18, was taken into custody without incident and booked on charges of reckless driving, wanton destruction of property and temporal trespassing.

The vehicle with the words "DeLorean" was estimated to have been going in excess of 80 mph in a residential area when it hit a speed bump, lost control stuck the building. The occupant, one Donnie Darko, was fortunately not at home at the time, delayed after serving as Easter Bunny at the annual Easter Egg Hunt. Arriving as emergency crews brought the situation under control, he told reporters, "Damn it all! My renters insurance expired 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds ago. I wonder if I'm still covered?"

The FBI is unsure exactly what type of vehicle was involved but from initial review of surveillance footage, it appears to be "a total piece of crap!" They became involved in the investigation after radiation was discovered to be leaking from what authorities are calling a “flux capacitor” recovered from the rubble. Federal investigators are calling the device "suspicious". Authorities are backing off from calling the incident as an act of temporal terrorism at this time but are still treating it like an act of temporal terrorism at this time.

One CIA investigator, who refused to be identified, yet somehow identified himself anyway, spoke candidly until he was surreptitiously drugged and quieted down. All calls to Eric Snowden's cell number have gone unanswered except for one reply, "He won't be back," by a man with a strong Austrian accent. But other insiders not afraid to talk to reporters came forward. Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, former researcher at the Temporal Studies at the CIA shed some light on the temporal crisis.

"I got screwed!" he exclaimed from an undisclosed location. "One instant, I was the head of my own private tech empire, the next, I'm just a retired Civil Servant and Elon Musk is a tech god. Elon Musk? In my reality, he's the guy they sent into space after they ran out of chimps!" he ranted. Doc Brown went on to paint a dark picture of Marty McFly.

Apparently McFly has been under observation by federal authorities for suspicion of Time Crime for some time. "What you may not know is Marty's mom was a rabid Chuck Berry groupie before Marty was born. When Marty found out, he set out on a mission to terminate Chuck musically. He started joyriding around Time in the Delorean, bringing back pirated music from the future and selling it to Chuck Berry's rock and roll rivals in the past.

"When I confronted him about cultural appropriation and temporal ethics, he got pissed off and told me it can't be appropriation if, 'my mom f*cked Chuck Berry!' He gave Prince's entire catalog to Little Richard in the 1955 and and obliterated the charts, effectively reducing Chuck Berry's influence in rock and roll history to the minor hit, Billie Jean, Why Won't You Be True? Chuck subsequently left rock and roll history and went back doing the things he used to do."

When reporters asked which Prince he was speaking of, Doc then winked and added, "Oh, you know him in this time-line as The Barista Formerly Known As Prince, owner of The Revolution coffee chain. I like the Raspberry Latte myself. I get the Y2K (Yours 2 Keep) Cup for $19.99."

Aside for a general malaise in music, no major temporal upheavals affected the integrity of the universe. Then things apparently began to go terribly wrong with the time continuum. Bored with his ill-gained monetary success through gambling and bored with whores, Marty craved recognition that only a rock star could demand: better whores. But when he tried to get the jump on Soundgarden in 1994 with release of "Black Days", it created a temporal rift that took the classic straight down the charts into Oblivion, dragging the timeline to Hell along with it.

Marty fell on black days according to Doc. "I think the song was depressing enough as it was. But with Marty playing all the instruments and the lead vocals it was his fate to fail. He kind of liked the change, but obviously nobody else did."

"He finally came to the conclusion that no matter how good someone else's music is, he still has absolutely no talent to exploit it. He kept trying though. I remember slapping him across the face anda1 telling him, 'Great Scott! Stop butchering Smashing Pumpkins, you little shit! Your hack covers of otherwise great rock and roll is destroying the entire timeline!' I thought he understood that but....apparently not."

However despite all his rage, Doc was still just a rat in a cage. "I guess he got drunk that night and wrecked the timeline before totaling the time machine. I hadn't seen him since 1994 until he plowed into that duplex yesterday and wrecked my career. He's wearing the same shirt. He always was such a little prick!"

Acquaintances of McFly weren't particularly impressed with his short-lived music career, either. “I always thought his mother's relationship with Chuck Berry was abnormal,” said Biff, McFly's former body guard. “But then again, so was me looking into her window!"

James Cole, a temporal investigator on temporary temporal assignment had no opinion on Doc's claim of timeline manipulation. “Not my rodeo. But like I keep saying, while time travel might be useful in past investigations, you still end up dead! My End of the World scenario money is still on 'alien black ooze takes over people's minds who won't take the COVID vaccine because they think the vaccine will make then robots'. Yeah, that's the ticket!" he said before disappearing.

Two friends of McFly’s, Bill Preston and Ted Logan denied ever being friends of McFly's. "McFly thought he was a superstar," said Ted. "He'd get stoned and say crazy shit like he wrote Little Richard's, 'When Doves Fry'. That's complete bullshit but I can't help but feel that song could have been so much more!"

“He was a douche, man!" said Bill. "He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. That dude is where good music goes to die. That's the McFly Effect!."

Director of Homeland Security Sarah Conner played down fears of temporal annihilation. "Our Intelligence indicates that though Mr. McFly did indeed tamper with the time-line, no felony has been committed and there is no imminent threat to our existence. Consequently we are releasing him. Aside from a cultural mediocrity devoid of definitive musical expression, where the return of the McRib is the biggest news in the country, we see no reason to raise the threat level," she said.

However, troubling video of McFly providing Vanilla Ice with Eminem's "Lose Yourself" in the late 80's surfaced, raising alarms. "Whoa!" said Conner. "I didn't know that! We need to learn how to drive that Tardis around and put an end to this cultural appropriation! Success is our only f*cking option. Failure's not!" Apparently anything less than the best is a felony.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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