Apparently true to his word that he would not waste time merely legislating when executive orders would suffice, President Biden has issued a new set of far-reaching orders that will fundamentally transform America.
1. First, the southern US border will be opened fully and immediately. “C.mon man,” Biden was reported to have told advisors, “we can’t keep 'em out, so, rather than risk a messy failure, let’s be bold.” According to the Washington Post, construction equipment is already en route to tear down the newly-built sections of wall, as well as the old wall and any lingering fencing, brush or other obstacles to entry. Pontoon bridges will be erected over the Rio Grande. Border checkpoints will be abandoned on the US side, allowing a free northward flow. In a sop to north Americans troubled by the coming deluge, Biden’s order also opens the border with Canada, allowing Trump supporters to exit the US in a northerly direction.
2. To create “lebensraum” or open space for the new arrivals, Biden’s order places strict controls on reproduction by women from non-marginalized or privileged groups. For these women, a new system of licenses will regulate permitted child-bearing and will be hard to come by without a degree from an elite Ivy League university. For couples rendered childless by the new statute, but who wish nevertheless to have families, the order further provides financial and other incentives to legally adopt immigrant arrivals. For example, the Defense Appropriations Act now compels US corporations to divert manufacturing capacity to the production and donation of necessary goods, including clothing, tortilla flour, refried beans, backpacks, sombreros and Mariachi band equipment.
3. In the event of unplanned pregnancies in the wrong populations, a third major order will grant the US Government the power to order illegally pregnant women to exercise freedom of choice. While this may sound ominous, the Post admits, in practice it is benign. For example, the new Obamacare abortion mandate will be fully taxpayer-supported for the first unplanned pregnancy. Of course, there will need to be a series of escalating penalties for each succeeding instance of unauthorized fertilization.
4. To shield and soothe progressive sensibilities already bruised by the Trump presidency, the fourth of the new orders proposes to rename certain states. Offended groups already busily rebranding offensively-named schools (e.g., Abraham Lincoln Elementary), sports teams (the Washington Redskins) and public facilities, have eagerly answered the call. High on the list of states to be renamed is the state of New Mexico, where the adjective “new” implies that there is or was something wrong with the original Mexico. Popular suggestions range from the simple expedient of dropping the “New” to more descriptive options such as “Mas Mexico,” and “Mexico del Norte”. Other states will be renamed after icons of the new panoply of woke heroes; for example, we may soon be referring to the new state of Kapernica instead of California, while New York is slated to be renamed Cuomotopia.
5. The final order directs the US Congress to reorganize state boundaries in order to maintain the number of states at fifty, while admitting DC and Puerto Rico as new states. The idea here is to save tax dollars that would be incurred in designing and printing a new US flag with more stars. Proposals to admit DC (top state name suggestion: Hillaria) and Puerto Rico (Alexandriana) will require the offsetting consolidation of certain “red” states. For example, Arizona and Nevada could be absorbed by the new state of Kapernica, or Texas could be merged with Mas Mexico.
In an concurrent editorial, the Post editors express their hope that these far-sighted orders will go a long way toward solving the immigration crisis and at the same time put us on a path toward ending systemic racism. Even in these early, not to say infantile, days the Post is ready to applaud the Biden Administration’s surprisingly visionary bent. Citing unnamed but unimpeachable sources, the Post cites, as additional evidence for its visionary claims, that Dr. Anthony Fauci has shared secret graphs showing how, over time, these new immigration and population control orders, combined with the effect of the COVID pandemic, will usher in a golden period of decline in non-marginalized populations that will last at least until they achieve marginalization, and perhaps beyond.
“Progress and the arc of history will not be deterred until all US citizens are members of marginalized groups. This is what progress is all about,” one unnamed Biden official observed when asked about these reports. “People need to evolve and learn new ways of thinking. And if they can’t or won’t, we will just have to get new people.”