Caleb and Stephanie Finkfeister, of Pelican Balls, Louisiana, recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Caleb retired 9 years ago from working as a pet guide at the Pelican Balls Petting Zoo. Stephanie is still working for herself, making women’s jewelry out of jellyfish skin.
* Don’t laugh at each other’s intimate body parts.
* Count each other’s freckles, and this can not only be fun, but educational as well.
* Put ice cubes in each other's underwear, and see who is the first to yell out an expletive.
* Watch Tucker Carlson, and try not to get freaked out by his creepy-as-hell facial expression.
* Try real hard to recall the last time you had sexual intercourse without pointing (or the last time you had sexual intercourse, period).
* Think up funny sounding names for each other’s private parts (foreign words and terms are allowed).
* See who can go the longest without scratching your pubic region.
* Make a concerted effort to not give the cat the parakeet’s food, or the parakeet the cat's food.
* Count the times that Rudy Giuliani's eyeballs suddenly get big as hell, and get the size of effing ping pong balls.
* Do remember not to brush your teeth with Preparation H, or put Colgate toothpaste up your ass.
The Finkfeisters want to wish everyone a Safe & Happy Valentine's Day.