The best way for Donald Trump to win the final presidential debate? Don’t show up. Lie (should be a snap) and say you are staying home to take care of ailing third wife, making a slow recovery from the coronavirus.
Claim to be making a chicken soup from your Scottish mother’s soup collection. Give out the recipe, list all the ingredients, add instructions on how you chop the parsley, run the clock out for 45 minutes, (another snap) about the same time as your portion of the debate—Voice sincere regrets (work on the sincerity). Use either a Martha Stewart recipe or one of the Barefoot Contessa.
If either chef voices a complaint of plagiarism, don’t counter charge and order Attorney General Barr to throw either one of them into jail. And do not start the “Lock her up” chant or, "They’re too ugly to steal from or have sex with." Forget any "pussy" references.
Play the politician game (a challenge for you). Just say that your mother loved both chefs, always watched their programs, throw in religiously (a good word for you), and mother may have fudged just a wee bit.
Then start to wrap it up by thanking everyone for all the get well cards and letters. Stay disciplined—another challenge. Don’t say millions and millions of cards and letters.
Then finish with a God Bless America, vote, and thank you.
Then just shut up.
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