At a press conference today, in Pennsylvania, Joe Biden defended himself against accusations from a Fox News journalist that he has a long history of shameless plagiarism, stealing others’ words, their ideas and even their family histories.
“Who can say that they have ever had a truly original thought, something that no one else ever thought before? Can you?” asked Mr. Biden, giving the reporter the stink eye. “I’m proud to say that all my thoughts and all my words have been said before by others. They are tested and approved. FCC, FAA, UL, USD blinkety-blank. Why should good words and thoughts not be repeated?”
“Mr. Vice President, plagiarizing a speech by Neil Kinnock, you once said that your father was a coal miner, like Mr. Kinnock's, when yours was actually a car salesman,” the reporter objected. “And you are accused of making many other false statements about your history, embellishing your accomplishments and flip-flopping on your policy positions.”
“Tinker, tailor, salesman, miner…These are all good, solid, blue-collar occupations. You need to look past the vowels and consonants to the real Joe Biden. C’mon, man, you know me,” Biden said, looking hopefully at a technician furiously typing into a laptop connected to the teleprompter.
“There is a larger point here,” Biden said, turning back to the screen, “and thankful it’s also in a larger font (laughing nervously); which is that I am a man of the …ah, the people… all the people, I mean to say…you know all the creeds and the colors of our great nation, men and women, tall and short, rich and poor, and so on,” Biden said, rumbling to a halt, and looking daggers at the furiously typing tech.
“And I use my words to make sure that every person—all this wonderful diversity… you know, in our great nation, America, with all the … you know, immigrants and everyone else who was already here, the Indians and such, as well as those who came here from far away troubled lands in leaky ships…all the way to these shores…sailing…and all the many faiths too, don’t forget them…” Biden sputtered, exasperated by the malfunctioning teleprompter.
Abandoning the translucent screen and stepping out from behind the lectern, Biden pointed fiercely at a man in the crowd. “Yes, Sir, I stand with you, Sir!” Biden shouted, putting his other hand over his heart. And pointing at a woman in the front row, “And I don’t know you, lady, but I stand with you, too, and also with all those jokers over there,” he said gesturing vaguely at a section of the crowd. “And these guys won’t mind if I confess that while I stand with them, I stand closer to women everywhere, especially suburban women. God, I luv ’em all,” Biden concluded, looking back at the tech for a sign that the machine was working again, having finally run out of unoriginal words and ideas.
“Hey,” Biden finally called out in desperation to the audience, not knowing what else to do, “will someone tell this lyin’ dog-faced pony soldier on the teleprompter to get his butt in gear? I mean, c’mon man, these baby blues feel like they’re a hundred and fifty years old right now. So gimme a break!”