"We Believe!" DNC Press Release Highlights New Progressive Faith

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

image for "We Believe!" DNC Press Release Highlights New Progressive Faith
"Are We still sheep?" "They haven't said."

For Immediate Release:

Our opponents often boast of their faith and their belief in God. But progressives too have faith, a better and more inclusive faith that embraces science and modernity. For those progressives who have too often been accused of lacking a moral framework or belief in higher things, we offer the following five affirmation of our own faith.

1. Progressives believe in science. While conservatives cavil that science is a method of discovering truth and not truth per se, that is clearly a falsehood. Believing in science means not attempting to undermine the answers to questions already satisfactorily answered or “settled.” For example, we know that climate change is real and that warming is caused by humans. Why should we listen to objections, to supposed new facts, or anomalous data, or to speculation about coming ice ages or other specious arguments? Because those who oppose science can be willful, we have already begun to reexamine previous scientific truths we suspect may have been unfairly discarded, including phrenology, the science of measuring by skull shape. With new laser sensing devices, there is a real chance to employ this science to investigate the many suspicious lumps and swellings on Trump’s head. We are also looking, with renewed interest, into the application of leeches, and bloodletting in general, as a cure for conservatism; and last, but not least, the phlogiston theory of fire seems intriguing to our more militant members who would love to trigger spontaneous combustion in police and other officials.

2. Progressives believe all women. Even when a few have been known to get something wrong or even lie like men. This is another way of saying that women are always right, even when they are wrong. Thinking about this correctly and not looking for paradoxes, one can see that believing all women is a form of reparations for centuries of not believing them, whether that 'unbelief' was justified or not.

3. Progressives believe in the arc of history, which is a kind of happy rainbow, visible only when seen from the left. This is god’s way of saying that “everything will be all right.” Even though there is no god, there is something like him (or her) that guides humans to become better and better. If asked by doubters why this ever-better world needs to be burned down today, we answer that, from time to time, history lollygags and needs a push.

4. Progressives believe in forcefully “unsettling” what our reactionary opponents believe. There are many false ideas about what is “good” and what is “evil” that need to be deconstructed, work being done at a heady pace in the nation’s universities and schools. “Evil” has been successfully reduced to “poverty” and “oppression”, and now we are hard at work reducing the idea of “good” to “ignorance” and “oppression”. The old idea of family, for example, is now known to be not good, because it encourages selfishness and exclusion, and scales to tribalism. Likewise, the notion that there was ever a physical basis to the concept of “gender” has been tossed onto the arc of history’s trash heap, soon to be joined by “capitalism”. Even the seemingly innocuous idea of charity–e.g., a Boy Scout helping a little old lady cross the street--is now seen by progressive psychologists as a harmful and violent act of condescension. Today, when encountering an old lady waddling along the sidewalk, a true progressive may or may not choose to sucker-punch her in the face and take her stuff, to make the point that charity is a harmful and violent act of condescension. Of course, he will only do this if he is feeling charitable.

5. Finally, on the subject of economics, progressives believe, above all, in poverty. Like the Pope, and the Castros of Cuba, we see wealth as the driver of inequality and incompatible with justice. Anyone who has more wealth than a Cuban cane farmer acquired it by taking from others. As former president Obama once said, “You didn’t build that.” And, as he implied and might have added, “You don’t deserve that, so we will take it from you.” Progressives would rather everyone be poor and equal, than that some have more than others. Lacking wealth to feed on, envy is eradicated. We believe in that poorer but peaceful world. A poor people justly ruled by progressives will have no reason or energy to commit crime and no motive for committing violence against their neighbors, unless it is necessary on occasion to eat them. Surely this new progressive world will be an uncluttered, less competitive and happier place to live, despite the slightly elevated risk of cannibalism.

Please feel free to share this guidance with your fellow progressives. And welcome to the Church of the Woke. We do believe!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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