The Garlic Nan Versus The Talking Kebab...

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Tuesday, 8 September 2020

image for The Garlic Nan Versus The Talking Kebab...
This Doner Kebab will self-destruct in 5 minutes...

For years, we've seen these supposed holy kitchen gifts from God enshrined in tablecloths, Nan bread, toast, and someone even posted Jesus's face in the froth of his Costa Coffee!

I'm sure they are just freakish coincidences, but they certainly leave a meaningful message. Not so sure people from around the world would travel on a pilgrimage all the way to a curry-house in Sheffield just to see his burnt face in a garlic Nan bread though.

I'm almost pretty sure as well that the media never take this stuff seriously either, otherwise it would be on the front-page of every newspaper, and be the main story on Sky News. It's not, but can anyone really laugh at people believing it may be a genuine message from The Messiah?

Up until January 2020, I had often left these silly sightings to lads' mags, t'internet and Loose Women. That was until I heard the story of 45-year-old Ray Forbershire, a married man from Middlefield in Falkirk.

Ray's drinking at Hogmanay had consisted of a few drams with the missus, but next morning his friends kidnapped him and took him out on a New Year drinking sesh. Just after telling his wifey he was just going 'for a few', Ray somehow stumbled home at midnight - via the kebab-shop with some much-needed supper!

His kebab was laid out neatly on the centre of the kitchen table, but Ray face-planted the place-mat and passed-out. Next morning, he could hear a muffled voice, but quickly remembered nobody had been invited back. It certainly wasn't his wife's voice, but the voice kept on going. He sat up, but the voice appeared to be coming from the kebab - but how was that even possible? Ventriloquism???

Slowly and carefully, Ray unwrapped the traditional drunks' breakfast, and it wasn't happy at all, having been smothered in all that paper for hours...

"About bloody time, ya Bawbag! Everytime i come back here somebody tries to kill me!"

"Hey, who are you? What are you?" said Ray.

"I'm Jesus, the Messiah, The Holy One. I came back to give you some advice. Wish I hadn't bothered now!"

"But you're a talking kebab. How is this even possible? How is this real?"

"I take many forms these days, Ray. As you know, my own body is rotting in a temple somewhere. I thought this was more sensible than a talking dog - that would've freaked you right out!"

"Jeez, probably not, I was actually a big fan of Scooby-Doo back in the day, you know!" laughed Ray.

"Right, an important message, Ray. Your health problems are going to get worse, so you have to go on a pilgrimage for me today, to visit The Spoof Headquarters in Englandshire. When you get there, ask to speak to the high-heed-yin, and tell him no more blasphemy on the site. I'll put a good word in with my dad, and we'll find a miracle cure for that impotence of yours..."

"By Christ, they're Spoof writers, man! What if they don't believe me?"

"Take your dog!..." <Wink Wink>

Just at that moment, Ray's wife walks in and looks around...
"Who the f*ck were you talking to?"

"Ma Doner."

"What? The singer?"

<Shakes Head> "Jesus F*cking Christ."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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