Where Is General Trump?

Written by K.C. Bell

Friday, 3 April 2020

image for Where Is General Trump?
"We could be one sick puppy."

Ever see a general skip a war? Tell his privates that they were in charge? That they should fight the battle? Announce he was just there as a backup? And then back up into his tent, abandoning his command, and, instead of taking charge, fight another kind of battle with tweets? Sounds kind of chicken?

A general behaving that way would be immediately court marshaled.

Trump did that with the coronavirus battle. He skipped out. This time, Trump didn’t even use the bone spurs excuse. He washed his hands of the whole coronavirus deal.

Maybe it’s for the best. Before Putin gave him the White House, Trump was a scripted TV talk show host. What would he know about ventilators, face masks, or personal protection equipment? Protection? He didn’t even bother to use a condom with the porn star.

He barely manages to stay awake during the daily press conferences, swaying, nodding his head every so often to appear alert, blank-faced, lost, reptilian eyes swallowed into an expressionless face. The only redeeming feature about his presence is that he doesn’t look at his wristwatch.

A real hero and battle-tested officer is Navy Commander Brett Crozier. He is the Commander of the nuclear aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt, docked off Guam. He wrote a four-page letter to Navy officials, asking to be relieved of sailors who had contacted the coronavirus. They had to be removed from the aircraft carrier before the entire ship and crew became contaminated.

“We are not at war, and therefore cannot allow a single Sailor to perish as a result of this pandemic unnecessarily,” Captain Crozier wrote.

Captain Crozier was immediately removed from his command, or made to walk the plank. However, he was given a rousing send-off cheer from his sailors.

Acting Navy Secretary, Thomas Modly, said Captain Crozier acted inappropriately. He went outside the chain of command.

Like, maybe he should have FedExed a letter to Jared Kushner?

It’s okay for the General who is playing backup, but sent word not to disperse equipment to those states and governors that do not praise him?


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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