LeRoy Ephers Abandons Van after Beer Runs Out, Runs for Alabama Senate Seat

Funny story written by D. L. Hawkinson

Tuesday, 12 November 2019

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LeRoy's Winning Campaign: Show Alabamans he can out-drink a wimpy Sessions, impress voters to support his unknown positions

Despite evidence to the contrary by several right-wing news outlets, at least one local reporter has recently confirmed that LeRoy Ephers is in fact running for the 2020 open senate seat in Alabama.

In a lucky and timely moment, local high school girl Bang Schwinn accidentally collided with Ephers while riding her bicycle to school, knocking him unconscious and leaving a pretty good scratch on her own shin.

Upon recognizing him, from a previous story, she had the presence of mind to fetch her reporter's notebook and waited for him to recover, despite a gash in his head that flowed freely with about an even mix of Old Milwaukee and red blood cells.

Three hours later, or by about fifth period high school time, Ephers came to.

Bang Schwinn: Are you feeling better?

LeRoy Ephers: Who are you? The last time we met, you had another name.

Bang Schwinn: Right, it was Zooey Bithcombler.

LE: Hunh?

BS: I was a middle schooler then. Now, I'm a senior. Times change. In fact, sometimes time skips a few years, if you know what I mean. And names change, too. It's a new world, cyber, high-tech, nonlinear. Get over it.

LE: My head is bleeding pretty bad.

BS: Don't be a baby. Now, would you like to confirm that you're running for senate in Alabama, that your likely opponent will be Jeff Sessions? Please confirm.

LE: Sure, whatever. Who are you again?

BS: Score! I'm one more step toward working for The New York Times!

LE: (spews beer and Spaghetti-O's up on himself)

BS: I imagine you'll have to move to Alabama if you want to run for senate.

LE: Hunh?

BS: Get a clue, dude. You and the sick all over your shirt are at least five states away from Alabama.

LE: (looks back at his van, which has been taken over by several rats and quarreling raccoons) Right.

BS: What's your strategy?

LE: (sways back and forth) Probably have to get a campaign manager.

BS: And campaign funds? I mean, really, you're a mess, and what about your van? Will it even make it to Alabama?

LE: (scrapes a small sample of sick from his shirt and sniffs it) Can you give me a ride?

BS: My bike has one seat, and don't expect me to haul your sorry ass. I can barely make the hills on the way to school, and back tire of the bike is already low. And I'm already late getting back to school. The teacher says I'm failing Spanish.

LE: Who needs Spanish?

BS: Well, you will, if you become senator for Alabama. Haven't you heard? The wall's been blown up and half the state is full of Mexicans!

LE: Hunh?

BS: You might pull off getting elected the first time speaking only English. But if you want to win re-election, you'd better master Mexican--and fast!

LE: You mean Spanish?

BS: Whatever . . .

Editor's Note: More to come. Follow the adventure as Bang Schwinn tracks LeRoy's efforts to gather enough signatures to get on a ballot, several weeks after he figures out where Alabama is on the map and how he's going to raise the money to get there. Currently, finding cash to resupply his Old Milwaukee supply is his highest priority.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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