Feeling Lucky? Visit the States

Funny story written by Thelonius

Saturday, 10 August 2019

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McConnell says you need to be 21 to buy tobacco

Due to the unprecedented levels of gun violence in the United States, many countries have issued advisories for travel there. Visitors are warned to exercise caution and avoid places with large gatherings such as cultural events (interesting things) and the like (other interesting things).

It is natural that people high up in the American government are worried about the beating their tourist industry may take. Suggestions for safe travel in the states have been hurriedly issued. New York City has been used as a reference city.

1. On arrival, look up “Top ten things to do in New York”. Be careful not to go anywhere near them.

2. If you encounter a more extensive list of the 101 best things to do in New York, don’t do anything below 85 or so.

3. Where you have read about things in New York you can’t miss, miss them.

4. Don’t attend concerts unless it is a band from the forties, Nickelback, or the opera.

5. Museums frequently have a day when you don’t have to pay. Go on days when you have to pay. If possible, go on days you have to pay twice the going rate.

6. Don’t go to places of interest, unless they’re not interesting.

7. Don’t go to restaurants unless you are certain the food is inedible. Have breakfast before 5:00 AM.

8. Don’t take a boat cruise around Manhattan unless it is raining cats and dogs, and windy. The same goes for markets, walking tours and parades.

9. In New York, there are some things you can always do for free. So, Brooklyn Bridge? Nope. Staten Island ferry? Nope. Central Park? Maybe. But avoid rides, zoo, sculptures, shade trees, ponds, and lakes.

10. No sports unless the Giants are playing.

11. No Memorial Museum unless you wish to be memorialized.

These suggestions can be generally applied to any American city. The good news is that travel in most of them is simpler, as there are fewer things to avoid. Good travelling.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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