The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #5: The Saber-toothed Earthworm

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 11 June 2019

image for The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #5: The Saber-toothed Earthworm
The Saber-toothed Earthworm (explanation supplied by Mr. R Dawkins)

Well, here we are, back once again, against all the odds, I have to say, in 'The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals', and this week's offering is the little-known, and even littler-cared-about, Saber-toothed Earthworm.

The Saber-toothed Earthworm may sound interesting, but don't let it fool you. It's about as uninteresting as it gets, and, believe you me, it gets pretty fucking uninteresting.

To start with, it belongs to the regular common-or-garden family of earthworms you might see in your garden, with some minor differences.

Whilst the earthworms in your garden are probably around 10 centimeters in length, the Saber-toothed Earthworm is around 10 meters long, and often longer. Even if, as is the usual practice amongst young children, when they chop earthworms in half, chopping a Saber-toothed Earthworm in half, would have only a marginal effect, and, to be honest, having two 5-meter monsters wiggling around your garden in a fury, is not what you want.

Research into the animal has found that they must have branched off from the main group of earthworms around 200million years ago, probably after a standard earthworm was raped by a Saber-toothed Tiger. This would account for its distinctive orange-and-black coloration and its saber-like tushy pegs.

As you would expect, the Saber-toothed Earthworm is quite a ferocious beast, and can tear a grown man apart in less than the time it takes to read 'War and Peace'. If you should encounter one in your garden, place a copy of 'War and Peace' near the worm, and hope that it hasn't yet read Tolstoy, or else, is a big fan of his.

Is that enough? I know I promised the Kestrel, but can it wait until next time?

Thanks for taking the time to read this shite, and, if we're both still alive, I hope to be able to bring you more uninteresting facts from the uninteresting animal world next week.

See you next Tuesday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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