The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #3: The Three-toed Sloth

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 28 May 2019

image for The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #3: The Three-toed Sloth
A hedgehog - the subject of next week's study of uninteresting animals

Welcome again to the Wonderful World of Uninteresting Animals, and, for the third insipid instalment in the series, we're going to talk a bit about the Three-toed Sloth, and how it has come to be known as the laziest bastardo in South America.

Indeed, to begin with, the Three-toed Sloth could be considered, by some, to be something of an 'impostor' in this series, because there are things about it that might not be as uninteresting as readers imagine. But, even if the sloth couldn't properly be called 'uninteresting', it reigns supreme as the animal most 'uninterested' in its life, and what goes on around it.

Sloths are the slowest-moving animals on planet Earth. Lab tests have shown that sloths move at speeds below 0.003 microns per second, which is very slow, particularly for this time of year.

The Three-toed Sloth is somewhat miraculous, turning out to have three toes - exactly as its name predicted it would!

In reality, it has three toes on each of its four feet, making twelve toes in total, but it was considered that changing its name to the Twelve-toed Sloth might be unnecessarily confusing for people who were already familiar with the animal as the Three-toed Sloth, so they left it as it was.

Sloths live in the branches of high trees. They prefer living in abandoned villas with swimming pools, but these are rarely available, so they make do with branches. They move so slowly, that their movement is hard to detect, and they are often mistaken for being tree bark, especially by people with eye defects.

They exist on a diet of leaves, shoots, plants, and fruit. They enjoy fruit such as apples and pears, but shy away from things like oranges and bananas because of the concentrated hard work peeling them, and the sheer delight a sloth could experience from tasting succulent coconut meat is not even worth thinking about, so acutely lazy are they!

Sloths are very timid creatures, and are keen to avoid confrontation. It is known, however, that sloths are strong and capable fighters, but the truth is, the lazy bastards just can't be bothered. The well-known idiom 'won't lift a finger to help' originated as a way of describing how sloths approach the threat of violence against themselves, as in:

"The saber-toothed tiger bore down on the three-toed sloth, but the lazy bastardo wouldn't lift a finger to help itself."

Here is a list of other things the Three-toed Sloth can't be bothered with:

Exercise
Climbing
Thinking
Scratching its fleas
Scratching its arse
Reading

Next time, we'll be taking a look at one of many people's favorite uninteresting animals, the cute and spiny, but totally ridiculous hedgehog. Until then, take care, and don't pick your nose.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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