The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #6: The Housefly

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 18 June 2019

image for The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #6: The Housefly
A gaggle of flies earlier

Welcome once again to the complete and utter waste of your precious time that is 'The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals', and this week's subject, after many requests from readers, is the housefly.

It was going to be the Kestrel, but isn't - I couldn't be bothered to research it.

The humble housefly, hated wherever it hatches out of a maggot, swatted or sprayed in every country on the globe, landing on dog turds from the moment it wakes up, until the time it goes to bed - what else could be said of the housefly that hasn't already been said?

Well, its uninterestingness is, it's fair to say, pretty much unsurpassable.

Flies have taste buds on their feet, so that they can taste what they are standing on! Cool! Unless they're standing on a dog turd, of course.

Then, it's not so cool.

But even in that case, the uninteresting fly seems satisfied with his shitty lot, choosing to spend most of his time sniffing around fecal matter.

This has ramifications for humans. It's widely known that a fly settling on uncovered food in your kitchen will find it too hard for its own consumption, and will try to 'soften it up'. Most people will have you believe that the fly vomits and defecates on the food, then stamps this in with its feet so that it can consume some of it. This is not strictly true.

Once a fly lands on food, it:

1. Vomits on it
2. Defecates on it
3. Urinates on it
4. Repeats steps 1, 2 and 3
5. Sneezes, then blows its nose on it
6. Repeats step 4
7. Licks it
8. Repeats steps 6 and 7
9. Stamps on it to reduce it to a 'pulpy' consistency
10. Flies away without eating it

And, if the fly isn't going from dog turd to food, it's going from dog turd to human hand or arm or face. That's a nice thought for you, isn't it?

Well, to be perfectly honest with you, all this talk about flies treading in dog shit, and then wiping it on your face, has made me quite peckish, so I'm going to call a halt here, go and make myself a sandwich, and bid you a fond farewell until the next time, if, indeed, there is to be a next time.

I'll let you know, after I see what kind of response I get in my fanmail.

See you next Tuesday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more