Giant Bee Discovery Is Breathtakingly Pointless, Scientists Told

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 22 February 2019

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Scientists who re-discovered a giant bee on an Indonesian island, have been told their find is "breathtakingly pointless, stupid, and a complete waste of time. And money", by social commentator, Moys Kenwood.

The bee, a Wallace's giant bee, (Megachile pluto) has an estimated wingspan of two-and-a-half inches (6 cm), and is as big as an adult's thumb, though the precise standard size of an adult's thumb is obviously something that has to be taken into account when trying to visualize just how big the bee is.

A Wallace's giant bee has not been seen since 1981, though, in fairness, nobody has been looking that hard.

Now, however, a team of slackers and wasters calling themselves scientists have been busy in the jungle, wasting their parents' fortunes, and pretending they are on the set of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, poking about in the habitats of creatures who would much rather have been left alone.

One of them, Eli Wyman, posed with the bee, in the hope that this would be impressive.

Another, a natural history photographer, Clay Bolt, said:

"It was absolutely breathtaking to see this 'flying bulldog' of an insect that we weren't sure existed anymore, to have real proof right there in front of us in the wild. It was for me, anyway."

But Kenwood raged:

"Who really cares if a large kind of bee is still in existence on some remote island far off the beaten track? Can these wastrels think of nothing better to do with their time than to go groping about in undergrowth, or pulling the branches of trees apart and bothering these non-publicity-seeking creatures? And what is the benefit to humankind of knowing of their existence? Get a proper job, you slags!"

The bee is named after Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist and explorer who pre-discovered it in 1858.

Wallace, who only had one 'l' in his middle name, described the bee as:

"a large blackish-grayish wasp-like insect, with immense tusks like one of those things with big ears that you see at the circus."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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