Ten Things You May Not Have Known About: Holland

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 8 March 2019

image for Ten Things You May Not Have Known About: Holland
A Dutchman talking to a flower

Holland is a lovely place, isn't it? And so flat! The perfect place to ride a bicycle, as flat as a pancake, with no impossibly-difficult hills to climb. Or that's what you think!

Here are some things about Holland that you probably didn't know, and, quite possibly, don't care about.


There are mountains in Holland that are amongst the highest in the world, but the Dutch are a modest, not to say secretive race who don't like to brag, and the location of the mountains remains a closely-guarded secret.


Despite their love of the color orange, there is not - and has never been - a single person born within the borders of Holland with ginger hair. It's a fact.


The national dish in Holland is baked beans on toast. The Dutch eat this meal for breakfast, dinner, tea and supper, and, as a result, suffer from cripplingly-bad wind - especially the women.


The Dutch language is very strange, in that, nobody understands it. It seems as if they do, but don't be fooled, they're just pretending. It is an adaptation of the language spoken by Bill and Ben in 'The Flower Pot Men'.


Clogs - those clumpy wooden shoes - are the preferred form of footwear for Dutch people, and are worn night and day - even in bed.


A staggering 96% of the workforce in Holland is involved in prostitution. Many are prostitutes themselves, but others are their minders, agents, drivers, and various cleaning and service staff at the establishments where the 'business' is carried out. The other 4% are involved in clog production.


Contrary to popular belief, the national pastime is neither football nor cycling, but 'jumping-up-and-down', which the Dutch of all ages practice with verve. You will see them springing in the streets, bouncing on the buses, and leaping in lifts. In fact, they jump at every available opportunity. They don't even stop when they go to bed.


Most people in Holland live in windmills. This used to present problems in cities, where neighbors' windmill blades would often become entangled, resulting in a terrible smashing sound, and one of splitting wood as the windmill was torn apart. Nowadays, they don't build them quite so close to each other, and employ the German building concept of Lebensraum.


Tulips are the favorite vegetable accoutrement with meals. They can eat them either cooked or raw. If you visit a Dutchman's windmill, you might see him gathering armfuls of tulips for his evening meal, with baked beans, of course. Tulips are alse eaten between meals, as a snack.


It's well known that the Dutch are very tall, but did you know that Holland also has a large dwarf population? Indeed, there are several 'dwarf cities' where only dwarves live in their own miniature worlds. Tiny houses, tiny cars to get them to the tiny factories that produce tiny clogs, and so on.

If you found this information useful, you need looking at.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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