How to Deal with the Fact that You are a Complete and Total Loser

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 7 July 2018


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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WARNING: This article was written by a rage-filled and heavily intoxicated author who feels a constant need to express disgusting and needless humor for the sole purpose of fulfilling his own vile ego. It lacks any sort of idealistic cause, and it basically says nothing that should be thought about deeply or even remembered. Thematic patterns do not exist within the structure of its content, grammatical errors were made, and wisdom was not expressed. It is also profoundly loaded with random bullshit. If you are looking for meaning and purpose in your life, then please skip this article and read the next one that gets published. READER DISCRETION IS HEAVILY ADVISED.

I'm not really sure why, but sometimes I get the subtle feeling that I'm a complete loser. Maybe I feel this way because I haven't achieved all of my personal and professional goals, or perhaps it's because I've never had a successful relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I feel like a failure simply because my schooling never got me anywhere. The feeling may even be a result of the fact that I have trouble staying on top of things during the week.

It could be possible that I'm just being too hard on myself, or it may be due to the fact that one of my family members came up to me today and said, “Hey Wesley, guess what? You really are a Complete Fucking Loser!”

Immediately after that, a personal friend of mine called me on the phone and said, “Hey! I've known you for years, and I just wanted to tell you that you are a total Fuck-Up and a Douche-Bag!” An old classmate also just sent me a text message telling me that I am a hopeless piece of shit.

Maybe those are the reasons why.

Anyway, failure is never an easy thing to deal with, so I've taken it upon myself to provide a list of healthy strategies that will help alleviate the pain and depression that often accompany the feeling that you've completely screwed up in life.


Have you ever gone to the gym, gotten on one of the elliptical machines, and then started exercising vigorously only to have the head of your penis slip out of your boxer briefs right before the rest of your dick (as well as your balls) fall out and start flopping around wildly inside of your cheap, exercise shorts? It's not that this has ever happened to me or anything, I'm just saying that it would be extremely embarrassing if it did happen to somebody.

If it does happen, however, then you need to go back home and re-plan your evening. You could play a video game, or you could just sit back comfortably, open the window, and let a cool breeze flow through your room to air out your sweaty gym shorts as you watch por… I mean the news.


When a person sinks as far into the abyss of failure as you have, there really is no coming back. Second chances at life and opportunities for positive change actually stop coming around at a certain point. There's probably no way that you will achieve success at anything or become a happy person, so you can always turn to alcohol. Who knows? You may even meet somebody at the bar who feels the same way about life that you do.

As the evening progresses, you might even end up kissing this person after he or she drinks too much tequila and then proceeds to throw up inside of your mouth. I don't know about you, but that sort of thing really turns me on. (There is nothing better than sweetly and passionately pressing your lips against another person's lips right before you feel this incredible and massive flow of vile, chunky, liquid gushing towards your throat. If you're talented enough, you can even swallow some of it and then puke it back into the other person's mouth.)

Instead of spending a lonely evening at home all by yourself while thinking about how much of a shitty loser you are, you can actually have a fun, exciting, and intellectually-stimulating night that is full of puking and really bad love-making.

There is also a big chance that protection will not be used. This means you will have the opportunity to raise some ugly, noisy, rotten, hyperactive, obnoxious, sugar-filled, disgusting, stupid children together right before you both file for a divorce in your mid-40s.

We will all be truly blessed as these creatures you have accidentally created grow up with a misguided sense of self-entitlement after you have pampered them constantly, treated them like they are the best thing in the world, given them everything they wanted, sheltered them from reality, and demanded that their poor, over-worked teachers cater to their every single need. And when they get older, rebel against you, start taking drugs, refuse to work for a living, abuse the unemployment system, and accidentally have children of their own because they have no discipline and they can't think about anything else but sex, you'll probably blame the rest of the world instead of the fact that you were both anal, self-absorbed, over-protective, idiotic parents whose children could clearly do nothing wrong.

Actually, if you get all of that accomplished, you won't be a complete loser anymore. You'll be an uppity, self-righteous, divorced, puke-inducing, worthless bag of shit just like most parents are in your surrounding community.


My advice is to walk up to a complete stranger and say the following:

“Hi! I just wanted to let you know that I'm experiencing cognitive deficiencies, a few self-efficacy problems, a bit of transcendental confusion, a hint of confusing transcendentalism, a small dose of existential pressure, an unbalanced amount of pressurized existentialism, (a troublesome remembrance of highly technical academic words I learned in college that don't actually mean anything), an overwhelming plethora of deeply-rooted emotional problems, profound loneliness, and an undeniable inability to be relentlessly drawn toward various forms of theological heresy.”

After saying that, walk away while the person stares blankly at the ground.


If you've made it this far into the article, then you probably realize that I am a naughty, sexually-frustrated, angry little man who severely needs to get laid by a beautiful woman who has massive cleavage as well as gorgeous, steamy thighs that seem to say, “Please undo the straps around me so that you can enter paradise for 8 seconds.”

But let's ignore that for now, because this next piece of advice is absolutely important!

You have to be honest with people if they start annoying you. The simple fact of the matter is that most people have nothing intelligent to say. All they have are preconceived notions, opinions, and a faulty value system that stands in complete and total opposition to what they actually do and how they treat other people on a daily basis. Instead of listening to somebody else talk for too long, just watch the grass grow in your back yard. You'll probably learn more that way.

The next time you get into a conversation with someone who starts talking about their morals, their deeply-held values, or even their political beliefs, just say the following:

“Yeah, this was really fun and stimulating, but you'll have to excuse me. I need to drink numerous beers while staring lethargically at the floor for several hours before circumcising myself with a dull razor blade and then repeatedly bashing my own head in with a toilet seat cover because I happen to find that sort of behavior more intriguing than what you just had to offer!”


Put down that book you're reading, “Why Was I Born This Way? How To Accept Painful Truths About Yourself While You're In Therapy,” by Dr. I.M.A. Schmuck, and do something exciting and adventurous.

Do you ever feel like finding some really old, condemned, haunted dormitory (or perhaps even an abandoned mental institution where lots of people died painfully from inadequate medical treatment) and then locking yourself in the basement for a really long time with no clothes on just to see if you get attacked by a malicious entity?

Healthy, normal, functional people don't have thoughts like that, but you're not exactly a healthy, normal, functional person. (You're really more of a worthless, dirty, smelly, carpet-sniffing, ass-sucking, back-stabbing, narcissistic, snot-drinking, toilet-seat licking, hopeless, useless, pathetic, twisted, pathological, lying, cock-stroking, puke-bag, son-of-a-bitch, jerk-off, Pile-of-Shit!)

Without being too wordy or offensive, I think what I'm trying to say is that you should do things like that so the rest of us can be entertained. You've got nothing to lose except your soul, but you probably don't actually have one of those either.

If you're not feeling adventurous, of course, you can just go back to reading your other favorite book, “It's OK To Cry When Other People Laugh At You And Say Mean Things,” by Thomas Vagina.


It may be a bit early, but my New Year's Resolution a few years from now will be to somehow reduce the unfortunately psychotic and profoundly disturbing levels of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that seem to plague me ever so deeply on a daily basis. For example, I always check my coffee pot 13.79 times before I leave for work in the morning just to make sure it's turned off. But in the year 2023, I'm only going to check it 11.24 times.

I am in control of my OCD! My OCD is not in control of me! (Shit! I think I left my stove on. I'll be right back. Proceed to #7)


When you're a complete and total loser, it's often very depressing to socialize with (or be around) other people because you always end up realizing just how happy and balanced they are compared to you.

It hurts inside because you can clearly see that their lives are characterized by all of the things that you don't have (such as love, hope, comfort, warmth, affection, intimacy, purpose, meaning, fulfillment, a sense of belonging, a healthy view of life, and others who genuinely care about them.)

All you have is a profoundly horrible and empty feeling of deep sadness and pain that torments you every single day of your life and slowly eats away at your soul no matter how much you desperately pray for a solution that will take the pointless misery and suffering away.

In order to keep yourself from getting too depressed, you should stop socializing with other people. It's clearly not helping. The best thing you can do is use your imagination to escape from reality.

When I feel depressed (for example) I just imagine some gorgeous, 40-year-old, blonde-haired woman with a tight, voluptuous, muscular ass who criticizes my writing abilities, tells me that my adjectives and adverbs are misplaced, berates me as a lousy boyfriend, slaps me around, rips my hair out, screams at me, stabs me with a pair of scissors, punches me in the stomach, pulls my pants down, drives her fingernails into my scrotum, makes videotapes of herself cheating on me, and then forces me to watch the tapes right before she smashes me in the face with a burning hot frying pan.

Thoughts like that keep me satisfied for some reason. When I'm not using my imagination, I like to read intellectually-stimulating books, such as:

A) “I'm A Good Person And There Is Nothing Wrong With Me: How To Get Through Life Without Reflecting On Yourself As An Individual” … by Dr. Louis Cockstrap.


B) “‘Good Job!' ‘Great Work!' ‘I Really Think You Have Potential!' … And Other Nice Things That People Say When They Are Trying Not To Hurt Your Feelings By Telling You The Truth” … by Eura Doorknob.


Proper diet is necessary in order to remain a balanced person with a healthy view of life. Try not to eat or drink things that contain toxic chemicals. If your farts begin to smell like an odd combination of flowers, lemons, gasoline, rotten eggs, dog food, chewing gum, skunky beer, dead animals, and paint, then you may have a serious medical problem. Seek help immediately!


Sometimes you have to entertain yourself when you've got nothing better to do. Have you ever wondered how much fun it would be to tamper with a Ouija Board, become demonically-possessed, and then play with massive amounts of electricity in such a way that you end up sizzling, twitching, and frying for a really long time until your head explodes all over the place?

Good, neither have I. That would be a really stupid thing to do.


Studying your family history is an excellent way to get your mind off of the fact that you will never be able to improve yourself or get anywhere in life. And if you examine your ancestry thoroughly enough, you'll probably understand why.

Maybe it was because your Great Grandfather drank a massive amount of Whiskey one night, fell down an extremely long flight of stairs, and damaged a significant portion of his brain before he met your Great Grandmother who escaped from the local mental institution while nobody was looking. You may even be lucky enough to discover that one of your ancestors was hit by a horse carriage while playing with himself in the middle of the street. It's important to study the things that make us all special.

You also need to realize that you do resemble your parents and that you have inherited many of their traits. You may rebel against them in the younger years of your life, but you will eventually develop the same habits they had when you grow older and perhaps even have children of your own.

And everybody in your family resembles somebody. Your brother may resemble your mother's father, your sister may resemble your father's mother, and your isolated cousin who lives out in the middle of the woods somewhere probably resembles a prostitute named “Fefe” who ran away from France during the early stages of World War 1.

For some odd reason that I simply can't explain, I seem to resemble the town reverend who stopped by to visit my parents in 1979 while my younger sister resembles the music teacher who frequently came over to give “free piano lessons.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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