Interviewer: Thank you for consenting to this interview.
Xenu: Well, I don’t get a lot of requests, seeing as I’m chained to this mountain and have been for 75 million years or so.
Interviewer: Yes, I didn’t want to bring it up unless you did, but apparently you wanted to solve your overpopulation problem and gathered up the excess people, froze them, and put them in a rocket ship that was built like a DC-8. Then you flew them to Earth, or Teegeeack or whatever you called it then, and blew them all up in volcanoes, and as if that wasn’t enough, then you vacuumed up their souls or spirits, or something, and brainwashed them even though they were dead. Does that sound about right?
Xenu: Well, things get changed around after a few million years or so, but with a few corrections, I guess so.
Interviewer: If you had to do anything different, what would you do?
Xenu: Well, I wouldn’t get caught. Other than that, I guess I would have gone with more of a Boeing 747 for the spaceship model.
Interviewer: What bothers you the most when you read about yourself in magazines or online?
Xenu: I hate it when they confuse me with Xena, the Warrior Princess. It’s XenU with a U, you clods!
Interviewer: Thank you very much for the interview!
Xenu: Sure. Just put in a good word for me with the Galactic Confederation!