Jesus Stands by His People, Makes Sure Black Lives Matter in Birmingham

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Thursday, 12 January 2017


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Jesus found himself in the news again, this time in Birmingham, Alabama, the cradle of the Civil Rights movement. The Savior vowed to stand by His "people" until the "White Devils," as he called them, stopped physically harassing them as they did at the latest Trump rally where four African-Americans had to be escorted out by armed police.

When asked to define who "his people" were, the Alpha and the Omega explained that he'd "been claimin' the Motherland, Africa since day one, like literally day one, since he was born in his crib in Nazareth," implying his North African heritage connected him to the volatile and controversial social movement, Black Lives Matter.

"It's been over five hundred years of oppression for me and my peeps," Jesus explained. "That's about a quarter of my lifetime. And I suffered. The White Devil lynched back in the day. Pontius Pilat and his lynch mob strung me when they knew full well that cracker, Barabas, was guilty as sin. But that's how it works for a brother in court. So, I get the cross and he walks free."

"Hey, what's truth?" Pilat posed as he washed his hands in the men's room after the press conference. "I've always felt bad about what happened with Jesus, right? But I did ask the crowd and they said, 'Give us Barabas.' So sometimes the crowd wins. I really can't believe he of all people is pulling the race card."

"Next time you see Jesus," Lucifer stated firmly, "you can remind him that I'm the White Devil, quit throwing the name around, alright. And tell him the race card doesn't apply here - he's bi-racial at most. I wouldn't call him 'Black.'"

"Mary might've been a snow-bunny," Jesus explained his racial roots, "but my biological, Joseph, was a brother - a tall, proud Nubian prince."

Jesus's presence, brought on by the actions of a group of some dozen Trump supporters who shoved, tackled, punched and kicked a black attendees at a rally, calling them "monkeys" and the hated "N-word." Trump, who supposedly "inspired" the violence, was non-plussed by the attack: "Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing," Far from against open violence, the presidential hopeful issued a general warning that if his gathering were to be disrupted by violence ( as was Democrat's Bernie Sanders'), saying that it would "never happen to me," even admitting he might join in the fray himself: "I don't know if I'll do the fighting myself, or if other people will."

Widening the scope of his accusations, Trump went on to implicate the Black Lives Matter may have been involved in the plotting and execution of the assassinations of police officers in major cities of this country. "Certainly, in certain instances they are," Trump told Fox News when he asked whether the group has been complicit in these shootings. "They certainly have ignited people and you see that ... It's a very, very serious situation and we just can't let it happen," Trump then added that, when in office, he would have his future attorney General investigate the civil rights activists.

"Donald Trump gets it. Donald Trump hears the voice of the American people," vice-presidential-hopeful, Indiana governor Mike Pence agreed with his running mate on the topic of Black Lives Matter. "I haven't agreed with every one of my Republican colleagues or Democratic colleagues on every issue. But I'm supporting Donald Trump because we need change in this country."

The Hoosier did not, however, agree on the topic of Jesus Christ. Taking a picture of Jesus Christ down form the wall of his gubernatorial office, Pence became incensed. "That guy," Pence began his tirade, "whoever that guy is who's claiming he's the Savior, he is the one who should be investigated. Look!" Pence then pointed at the photograph in his hand and examined the likeness of the Son of God. "Look! Long, flowing brown hair - straight hair. Nice, thin nose, blue eyes - and alabaster skin, a brown beard, really thin lips. How could he be black? Phony! I know my Jesus. I read The Bible."
And where did he get this exact likeness of Jesus? "My mammy got it for me?"
"Mammy?" Pence was asked.

"Yes," He waxed romantic, "a wonderful woman of color who used to help out around the house when I was growing up on our modest little farm in Columbus, Indiana. She was a wonderful woman, full of wisdom and faith. She could spend a whole day singing those old Negro Spirituals and folding laundry. Then, one day, when I was oh, may 5 or 6, she came up to me and said, 'Mr. Mike, I done got something for you,' and she handed me this picture. She got it from the Five and Dime. Shoot they had hundreds of these pictures in that little country store, so it must be right. And here this phony is out there trying to change over 200 years of history. I'll teach him, just you wait."

After being released from the famed Birmingham Jail for disturbing the peace and unlawful assembly, Jesus was locked arm-in-arm with "His people" when He was alerted as to Pence's vendetta against him. As the crowd around him swayed and moaned a spiritual, Jesus claimed that when He was surrounded by the support of "His people," nothing could stop his mission for fair treatment of Him and His kind.

"You'd have thought he would have learned," former Apostle Paul told the Associated Press upon hearing of Jesus's new cause, "after what happened with the Jews back in the day. They really hung him out to dry, but, you know, Jesus, he's like a teenager with an identity crisis going on - they go through phases. Some people, they have this martyr thing. You should have seen him after the whole Crucifixion thing, man. He couldn't just die and ascend to Heaven and sit at the right hand of His Father. No, that would be too simple. He had to go around to all of us and appear to us, right? He was all like, 'Hey Paul, hey Peter, Luke, Mark and John, whatcha been up to?' Then he would show us the scars on his palms and feet and be like, 'Nothing? Oh me? Yeah, I've just been absorbing the sins of the world for the last three days and then, you know, resurrecting myself. No big deal, man. So what're you doing, Peter, a little fishing? Uh, yeah, probably gonna have a few days of the year named after me. No biggee.' Yeah, He has a cocky edge sometimes. Man, you should've been around for that whole Jesus Christ Superstar thing in the 70's. Couldn't fit his head through the door. I guess He Thinks He's Eminem now."

Sporting a Hands Up, Don't Shoot t-shirt and an Oakland Raiders baseball cap, Jesus gathered his flock at the Rising Star African Methodist Episcopalian Church on College Avenue to announce His solidarity with the cause. Public Relations handler and former Apostle, John, addressed the media after the church house event. "While the events of the last few days here in Birmingham may seem odd, if not surreal to some, they are not unprecedented. Jesus, the Son of God, will always be with people who need him. It's like John the Apostle, who knows him as well as anyone, said, "He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him." So, He claims to have found some new people. Jesus does this every once in a while when He's frustrated. That being said, Jesus has one last thing He'd like to announce before we close here. He will be, and I'm quoting directly here, 'I will no longer be known by my slave name, Jesus Christ. I will be changing my name to Jesus X until further notice.' Thank you and I will be open for questions as soon as I know more about the situation."

"Hey," Lucifer, also known as the Prince of Darkness, stated, "I'm the kid's biggest fan. He's my 'day one' as the kids say these days, but it's happened to the best of them. The Olsen twins got weird. Britney Spears lost her shit. Macaulay Culkin is still all messed up from too much too soon, you know? I mean, he kinda was the first superstar. So it got to him? He calls himself Jesus X for a while. At least we can explain all those happy X-mas cards, right? Come on, that was funny, right?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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