A host of authorities were called to 4750 North Meridian Avenue, Indianapolis, the governor's mansion, after a neighbor grew concerned over a raging fire, excessive smoke and an odd scent of burning flesh and hair.
"The governor (Vice President to-be Mike Pence) has had some weird gatherings over there," said neighbor George Washburn, "but nothing like this one. I guess he has some Mason or Rotary club thing, not like one I've ever seen, but some sort of club. They even have the black robes and silly horned hats. I usually just let them be. I mean, it is the governor, but this time it was just too much. I had to call someone."
Police arrived and found nothing more to cite the governor and his cohort with except for a misdemeanor citation for the excessive fire, from which Mr. Pence immediately pardoned himself by executive order. Keith Cooper, who has been waiting 20 years for a gubernatorial exoneration for a wrongful murder conviction, caught wind of the pardon and had this to say: "That's messed up, man."
Firefighters on the scene doused the fire, which had apparently gotten out of control when the goat the group had been "roasting" in an open flame rolled off the logs and spread the flames. "I don't know why they didn't skin the goat and why they had all these weird symbols written on it, but they had something weird going on. Didn't seem like a barbecue to me anyway."
Paramedics on the scene treated one man for smoke inhalation and two others for minor burns.
Governor Pence's offices were contacted for comment and did not immediately reply. Later, they responded with this press release: "The unfortunate incident at the governor's mansion last night has been greatly misinterpreted. Radical Christian sects have concerns that it was some sort of Pagan ritual. This could not be further from the truth. The governor remains, as always, an ardent Christian, a devoted husband, and a staunch Republican who has the precepts of family values firmly in mind. The incident was merely the meaning of a social club that encountered an unfortunate accident and the night spiraled out of control, nothing more."
"Pence is full of shit," said Lucifer, who is in town to assist Jesus with managing the End Times. "The goat was a sacrifice to me. When I help someone out, it's only polite that one returns the favor with a sacrifice. Then that person is supposed to pledge eternal allegiance to me, you know. To be totally honest, he's supposed to turn his soul over to me for the rest of time, but, I'll be damned, I sent out a demon to pick it up the other day and there was no soul, nothing. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen, and I've been doing this forever - literally."
"I knew it," recently defeated presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said. "There's no way they beat me fair and square. I just knew it. I've always wondered how you can be a Christian and a Republican. Well, now I got my answer."
In defense of his running mate, president-elect Donald Trump stated that Pence "should have built a wall to keep those nosy neighbors out. I mean, you know what I mean? A wall. Not just any wall, but a great wall. That's it, on my first day in office, that's what I'm doing, I building a wall around the governor's house. And I know how to build a wall. Yeah, a wall."
Finally, former POTUS Bill Clinton stated simply, "I was there but I did not inhale."
The matter is still being monitored.