Did you make a New Year's Resolution? Yeah, it's miserable, I know. So break it, shake it, and never look back!

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Thursday, 19 January 2017


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image for Did you make a New Year's Resolution? Yeah, it's miserable, I know. So break it, shake it, and never look back!
All the hoopla around New Year's has come and gone and now you're stuck with a resolution. Who needs it? Break it!

So you've made your New Year's Resolution and you're already as miserable as all hell. The point is, all your New Year's Resolutions were made to rid you of things that are deeply rooted in what The Bible calls "The Seven Deadly Sins". These are the mortal sins that the Judeo-Christian God (sometimes "Judeo" here is spelled "Judo") will send you straight to hell for, if you don't get them under control. And they are: Lust, Pride, Anger, Jealousy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Greed.

Face it, Cowboys and Cowgirls, you love living in sin. And do you know what? It's even more fun breaking New Year's Resolutions than keeping them. So here are a few of the examples of the people I know in "real time" that have given testimonies to me on how they feel about throwing that heavy yoke of denial and yielding from their necks and getting on with life. These are not social media friends, or people I do not know personally and probably never will know, but people I know from the streets and the pastures:

* Jules, a 22-year-old recent college grad who is part of the LGBTQ community from my neck of the woods: "I made a New Year's resolution that I would no longer dress up like a woman and walk around malls, county fairs, and high school and college basketball games. I just want to be gay now, and I'm fine with that, that's what I said to myself on Jan. 1, anyhow. The problem is, during the past few days, I saw all these beautiful women walking around and I said to myself, 'Boy, when I'm dressed to the nines in my mini-skirt and nylons, I'm a lot better looking than those skanks. Hey, right now I'm overwhelmed with that mortal sin of jealousy and I'd love to have those two other mortal sins back, lust and pride, so as soon as I get home, I'm dressing up like Jennifer Aniston and I'm going to that hockey game with some bouncer I know.'"

* Killer, a 54-year-old deranged biker outcast who swore off go-go girls, whiskey, pot, vomiting, and shooting his collection of guns off at the local landfill: "Yeah, I went to church last Sunday. It was New Year's Day, in fact. I thought if I straighten up my act, the boys will let me back in the biker gang. The first day I began this new journey of New Year's resolutions. Tell ya the truth, I felt a lot more at piece with God shooting rats at the local dump and taking snorts off that bottle of Jack Daniels than I did sitting in that pew on Sunday. I've decided that I'll just communicate with God on my Easy Glide, and blasting those sickly rodents with my AR-15 at the dump puts me at peace and tranquility, too."

* Pscyho, a 35-year-old career jailbird with 59 misdemeanors and no felonies on his record: "I made my New Year's resolution to stay out of jail. I only bounce in and out of there for a few days at a time. Disorderly conduct, pissing in public, tearing posters off the walls at the welfare office, getting drunk and shouting at people passing by in cars, jumping around on the interstate, throwing rocks at freight trains, that sort of stuff. Missy Misdemeanor junk, that's all. Anyhow, I've decided that I miss jail. All my friends are in there. And I'm having a hard time sleeping in the snow between these two evergreen trees. Having a tent made of old, moldy newspapers just doesn't work too well. And all I had to eat today were two Little Debbie cakes. At least I'm guaranteed two hots and a cot in county or city, and I even miss my old police buddies. I'm going out to the mall and run around naked in there. Security will be on me in no time flat. That'll certainly get me a ticket back to my favorite place."

* Daisy Dill, a 23-year-old nymphomaniac who likes to date at least four guys at a time, and cheat on all of them: "I was talking to a priest today about becoming a nun. He mentioned this thing about 'celibacy' and I thought it had to do with wearing some kind of weird medal around my neck in that funky black and white gown I'll soon be wearing. Well, he said it meant that I couldn't have sex anymore, even with myself - and I had a panic attack! I haven't had sex since Dec. 30 and I'm crawling the walls. I'm berserk. I'm leaving this cathedral and I'm screwing the first guy I see. I'll just tear his clothes off and tell him to give it to me where it hurts the most!"

* Melinda Mayhem, a 22-year-old pickpocket, shoplifter, car thief, and overall confidence lady: "I finally got a real job. Because of my extensive police-record rap sheet, the best I could do was cleaning the stalls of horses and pigs at Old MacAdool's farm way out here on the outskirts. Five bucks and hour. That's five bucks under the minimum wage, for your information, thank you. But that mean old farmer can get away with it because it's "Ag work" and all. You can't even buy a pack of generic smokes or a beer at a pretty good bar with five bucks these days. As soon as Old MacAdool gets done riding around on that tractor, I'm stealing it, driving it over to the pawn shop and asking Oscar how much he'll give me for that choking, smoking monster. It's gotta be worth at least six hundred bucks in cold, hard, quick cash.


So there you have it. These friends and neighbors of mine got over their New Year's resolution blues by going back to the sinful lives they left. None of them are too concerned about hell's fire until they actually feel the heat and flames. And as far as I know, all of them have been quite happy the past few days, now that those New Year's resolution blues are over and out, for good.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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