Posthoorn Interview no. 6: Tom 'Brexit prepper' or 'Holiday prepper'?

Funny story written by Marion Morris

Monday, 26 December 2016

Tom, from Scotland, has lived in The Netherlands since 1972 and has a Dutch wife. With Brexit looming, and maybe having to leave the Netherlands, Tom is prepping himself to live back in Scotland.

Before going on holiday the reporter of the world famous weekly newspaper The Posthoorn (chosen by 75% of their readers as their favourite alternative cat litter) decides to visit Tom for a last interview for this year. He enters Tom's pub, which is richly decorated with fancy lights and Christmas decorations. Tom sits with his wife and friends at a table in a corner of the pub.

And how is Brexiteer Tom doing? "Well, we just survived Sinterklaas on December the 5th, a typical Dutch tradition. At first I thought it was the pope dressed up in a red robe handing out presents to the children." What does Tom think about 'Zwarte Piet' (Black Peter) helper of Sinterklaas who is dressed as a moor? People protesting saying it is a reminder of the slave trade. "If I came through the chimney I would be black as well," he says and as a afterthought "and probably be dead."

Instead of black should their faces be painted in all colours of the rainbow? "The rainbow colours are already claimed by the gay people. I would not want to get in an argument with them. You should hear my gay friends when I wear the wrong coloured socks. However, I will miss Sinterklaas if I lived in Scotland. I will miss getting a shitty present accompanied by a poem, usually pointing out your not so attractive side. Mine has not been smaller than a full A4 over the past years. I asked Sinterklaas for Jaguar E type, but got an advent scratch card. It is supposed to be funny, a car from scratch."

Prepping for a Scottish Christmas this year? "It is a bit difficult, we will go out for dinner, I cannot take the microwave with me to prepare my English beers. Also the Netherlands do not have the same large sprouts as we have in Scotland, you know the kind that look if they come from an allotment in Chernobyl."

"What about my Christmas pudding? " Tom's wife interferes, waiving around her sixth glass of Calvados. Tom pleads with his eyes to change the subject. "Eh, well it is sort of dripping from the shelf because of the amount of brandy poured over it, we might be eating it out of a glass." Hastily: "I'm sure it will be lovely."

Prepping for New Year celebrations, which in Scotland is called Hogmanay? "First I have to get used that World War III did not start around New Year. The Dutch start throwing illegal fireworks around on the streets from the beginning of December. Going by the sound I actually think they are hand grenades."

So what happens at 12 o'clock? "In Scotland we have the tradition of 'first-footing', we wait for the first visitor to one's home, custom clearly states it should be a dark handsome stranger bringing salt, coal, whisky etc. wares intended to bring good luck. Salt, we eat a lot of vegetables in Scotland these days; we can use the salt on our potato crisps. Whisky, do I need to say more? The coal could be for Zwarte Piet, when the Dutch get rid of him. For he would be very welcome in Scotland; 69% of the people in Scotland have red hair the rest are blond. Hogmanay can take a week, not so much because we want to get pissed; we are waiting forever for that 'first-footer'."

Did Tom get any more reactions from his fellow preppers? "Yes, my work is even appreciated across the ocean, I have a friend who needs help with 'Amleavit', he wants to leave the USA after Donald Trump was elected president. Difficult at the moment with Brexit, the threat of Nexit, maybe he should consider travelling to Europe on the Queen Mary, boat people have a better chance to stay in Europe."

This reporter wishes Tom happy holidays and takes his leave. He is in a hurry, as he has to do some prepping for his holiday in Scotland.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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