BMW Researching Self-Driving Cars

Funny story written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw

Sunday, 10 July 2016

image for BMW Researching Self-Driving Cars
Soon to come: The ultimate non-driving experience.

Like many auto manufacturers, BMW has been actively researching technologies that will, in the not too distant future, enable cars to drive themselves. In an exclusive Spoof News interview, Chief Engineer Max Brennstoff outlined some of the challenges that his team has encountered.

"We failed to anticipate how difficult it would be to program even the most sophisticated computers available today to emulate the selfish and asinine behaviour of the typical BMW driver. We ended up sending our software team to a psychiatric hospital to interview some pathological narcissists in order to figure out what makes them tick. Even this was not enough, so they went there a second time, and surreptitiously spiked the mental patients' coffee with cocaine and anabolic steroids in order to evoke the naked selfish aggression typical of the pricks who buy our vehicles."

"And, armed with this information," continued Brennstoff, "our programmers have come up with an algorithm which exceeds my fondest imagination."

Brennstoff went on to explain how micro-cameras at the front of future BMW's would be able to read speed limit signs, sending this information to a computer which would multiply the figure by 2.25 and instruct the cruise control to maintain this outlandish speed, swerving across lanes as necessary. If the car's path were blocked by a vehicle traveling at less than 1.5 times the posted speed limit, collision avoidance radar and a brake controller would enable the BMW to come within six inches of the slowpoke's rear bumper before energizing the horn and the high beam headlights.

"After all," concluded Brennstoff, "people too cheap or too poor to buy a fine German-engineered automobile should learn to stay the hell out of our way!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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